Strength of a Warrior

Travis is a complicated young man with a complicated story. He has autism. He has an intellectual disability. And he suffers from mental illness. I am not on expert on any of these diagnoses. I do, however, consider myself an expert on Travis. Twenty seven years of experience gives me the right to claim that title.

Today I want to tackle the topic of Travis’s mental health issues. Travis suffers from chronic depression and anxiety. But his mental illness goes way deeper than that. I’m going to touch on why I believe, based on my research, that his hurt goes so deep.

I have mentioned in some recent blogs that some autistic individuals become upset when others talk about finding a cure for autism. I’ve read comments on social media detailing that they feel that they do not need to be fixed. One such individual wrote, “I am not broken, I am perfect just the way I am”.

Many of you may have heard of Temple Grandin. She is a college professor and successful writer that also happens to be autistic. She lives here in Colorado. I have attended one of her speeches, and I have also read a couple of her books. When she was asked by someone if she would like to not be autistic, she said no because, “I wouldn’t be me”.

I may be completely off base, but it is my belief that comments like these are likely made by individuals on the autism spectrum that have normal cognitive abilities. I can assure you that Travis has never said, “I am perfect just the way I am”. Ever. Given a choice, he would choose to not be autistic. I’m thinking the answer may be dependent on where it is an individual falls on the spectrum.

Travis has an intellectual disability. It affects his processing speed and his short term working memory. Which makes it extremely difficult to read at a higher level, and comprehend what he reads. He has an incredible vocabulary. He has always been good about asking what a word he doesn’t know means when used in conversation. He has an amazing amount of knowledge in subjects that are of great interest to him. He learns best by watching documentaries. But again, the subject has to be of great interest. Otherwise, he loses focus pretty quickly.

It goes without saying that having all of these diagnoses make Travis different. He functions at a high enough level to know that he is different. He thinks it sucks (his word) and he is extremely angry about it. He is unable to manage his anger. He has been seeing a therapist since he was a child to work on managing his anger, among many other issues. There are several things that feed into his anger.

Being different in our society makes an individual a target for bullying. I have heard the argument. Some people want to argue that we have all been bullied in our lifetime. While that may be true, it is different for individuals like Travis. It happens more often because he is an easy target. He does not have the skillset to handle this type of treatment. He lashes back. He is simply unable to let any mistreatment roll of his back. Add social media to the equation. It multiplies the occurrence of bullying. If you don’t agree, you’re not paying attention.

I’ve mentioned before that one of the books I am currently reading is, “Reasonable People, A Memoir of Autism and Adoption”, by Ralph James Savarese. It is an incredible story of triumph, and a great read. Savarese says it well, “As a father of an Autist, I can tell you that feeling good about oneself is a big problem for people with autism. What do you say to an eleven-year-old who so understands the world’s intolerance of difference that he starts announcing on his computer at night, “freak is ready for bed”? (His son is non-verbal and uses the computer to communicate.)

Like other people with disabilities, some with autism have found that identity politics offer a vehicle for fighting discrimination and improving self-esteem. It locates the problem where it should be, outside of the self, in a world of ignorance and fear”.

Travis is not one of these people. He is unable to see that the problem is outside of his “self”. He gets that this world is occupied by some ignorant people. He is unable to separate that if someone is bullying the problem lies with them and not him. In other words, it greatly affects his self-esteem.

Savarese and his wife Emily fought to have their son included in the regular classroom at school. Emily was an inclusion expert that worked as a professional at an autism care center. They argued that the “supposed inclusion issues” were adult concerns. Savarese stated that his son’s “perseverative tendencies taxed adults more than children” and that “gains can be numerous, even if different from peers”.

The children got used to their son’s noises and outbursts in the class. The adults were worried that having him in the classroom would distract the other children from learning. Annual testing of classroom performance said otherwise.

I agree that children with disabilities should be included in the regular classroom whenever possible. Travis was included in the regular classroom through second grade. In his case the adults, his teacher and a parent of a classmate, questioned whether Travis belonged in the regular classroom. I am not upset with any particular teacher. Our district did not have an appropriate program in place for autistic students. The culture of non-inclusion came from the top of the special education department down.

I do take issue with the parent that complained. If you want to know how bullies are made, take a look at their parents. Kids notice everything we say and do. Actions speak louder than words. I detail the story of what I considered questionable parenting in an earlier blog titled, “The Girl that Gave Hugs”. I felt that the parent of a girl in Travis’s class was actively parenting the compassion out of her child. How do we change the world to have, as Savarese says, “an awakening to the plight of others”? There is so much work to be done.

Travis and I recently had a conversation about the gamers he encounters in his Xbox Live games. Parents, let me just say that if I had it to do all over again, I would have gifted Travis with a game system that didn’t include live play. I know that he is an adult and no doubt would be playing live games now, but I could’ve saved him years of torment. I would have bought a system that was more family oriented, so he participated more with family as opposed to isolating himself in his room and playing with mean people.

In our conversation, I shared with Travis that I just don’t understand why many of these gamers felt that it was okay to say some of the horrible things that I have heard them say to each other. And to him. Over game play. Things like, “You should get off Xbox Live and go kill yourself because you suck you &%$*ing retard”!

For real. Travis is not innocent. He has become part of this culture. He is very reactive. When he lashes back he says horrible things too. He likes to think of himself as a protector. If a player is talking inappropriately about someone other than him, he will get involved and defend them.

Then I asked Travis, why do you even want to play? Why put up with the mean comments? The bullying? It cannot be fun. It affects your mood. But I already know the answer. Gaming is something he thinks he is good at. Working through levels gives him a feeling of achievement. It is a big piece of his social connection. I asked him to find an Xbox Live tribe, a group of people that would be respectful of each other’s differences. People that wouldn’t lose it if another player didn’t have a perfect game. Travis told me that is “way harder than you think mom”. I imagine that he is right. If it could be done, wouldn’t it be done by now?

I believe that Travis has had to deal with a great deal of trauma in his life, and that plays into the young man that he is today. Something that Savarese wrote really got me thinking. He states, “The politics of “stigma” and “social connection” with respect to cognitive disability suggest that merely being autistic in American society is trauma enough, for who is more stigmatized and isolated”?

Yet, Travis’s trauma is about more than being bullied pretty much from school age on. And his trauma is more than living with autism.

Travis’s birth mom was honest about the fact that she and her family members suffered from mental illness. I honestly didn’t know much about mental illness at the time. She told me some horrific stories about her childhood. I wondered if those childhood memories created or played into her mental health struggles. That was truly my belief.

I believed that Travis would be fine. He would grow up in a stable environment with two loving parents. We did provide that home and love. And he is doing okay. The truth is that genetics plays a larger role than I could have imagined.

One of the things that I learned in my CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) training was that trauma can begin in the womb. That was an entirely new concept to me. I read an article at www.theguesthouseocala.com, “Trauma Can Start in the Womb”. It states, “A growing and developing fetus is completely dependent upon the mother within whom it resides. Attached by the umbilical cord, a fetus receives air, food, water, and whatever else a mother digests, which is why a mother who abuses drugs or alcohol does a great deal of damage to her offspring.

Sustenance and chemical input are not the only thing a fetus receives from their mother. The fetus is also extremely sensitive to how a mother is feeling emotionally, what is going on in her internal environment, as well as what is happening in her external environment. Just as born individuals are affected be everything they experience in life, the budding life form of a fetus is already being impacted by everything they are experiencing, though they aren’t grown yet.

Guilt, shame, stress, and toxic emotional trauma can and often does compute into the growing fetus’ genetic makeup. Emotionally traumatic experiences are transmitted to the fetus and coded into the very fiber of their being.” Scientific research has found that trauma in the womb can contribute to PTSD and mental health problems later in life.

The speaker at my CASA training talked about the behaviors you might come across in a child that had suffered trauma in the womb. It sounded like this could definitely be a piece of Travis’s puzzle. I only witnessed the last three weeks of Travis’s birth mom’s pregnancy. She traveled from out of state and stayed in our home. Based on what I did see during that time, I can only imagine that forty weeks in her womb had to be quite the roller coaster ride of emotional trauma for him.

In addition to that trauma, we have the adoption itself. Many adoptees are fine. They have zero interest in learning about their biological parents. I have a friend that is also an adoptive mother. She suggested that I read the book, “The Primal Wound, Understanding the Adopted Child”, by Nancy Newton Verrier. Verrier adopted her daughter and believed like I did, that love would conquer all.

Verrier states, “What I discovered, however, was that it was easier for us to give her love than it was for her to accept it. For love to be freely accepted there must be trust, and despite the love and security our daughter has been given, she has suffered the anxiety of wondering if she would again be abandoned. For her this anxiety manifested itself in typical testing-out behavior. At the same time she tried to provoke the very rejection that she feared, there was a reaction on her part to reject us before she could be rejected by us.”

As Verrier sought answers for her own child, her interest expanded to other children and their adoptive parents. She spent ten years doing research at the time her book was written. I am not sure what this statistic is today, but Verrier states, “According to 1985 statistics used by Parenting Resources of Santa Ana, California, although adoptees at the time comprised 2-3% of the population in this country, they represented 30-40% of the individuals found in residential treatment centers, juvenile hall, and special schools. They have had more difficulty in school, both academically and socially, than their non-adopted peers. The adoptees referred for treatment had relatively consistent symptoms, which are characterized as impulsive, provocative, aggressive, and anti-social.”

Wow. Sounds a lot like my boy.

While doing her graduate work in clinical psychology Verrier interviewed adoptees. The result was the master’s thesis upon which she based her book. From there she became a therapist that worked with adoptees, adoptive parents and biological parents. Verrier states, “What I discovered is what I call the primal wound, a wound which is physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual, a wound which causes pain so profound as to have been described as cellular.”

This statement in her book hurt me to the core, “The child abandonment is a kind of death, not only of the mother, but of the Self, that core-being or essence of oneself which makes one feel whole”. Verrier believes that “the severing of the connection between the adopted child and his birthmother causes a primal wound, which affects the adoptee’s sense of self and often manifests in a sense of loss, basic mistrust, anxiety and depression, emotional and/or behavioral problems, and difficulties in relationships. I also believe that the awareness, whether conscious or unconscious, that the original separation was the result of “choice” made by the mother affects the adoptee’s self-esteem and self-worth.

The adult adoptee may understand the reason for relinquishment, but the abandoned baby lives inside each and every adoptee all of his or her life.”

In their blog, “The effect of Early Trauma on Adopted Adolescents” at www.evolvetreatment.com, they write, “While every adoption is different, one thing to remember is that there is no adoption without loss. Experts consider separation from birth parents - even as an infant - as a traumatic event. Therefore, every adopted child experiences early trauma in at least one form. Many experience additional trauma before adoption. The research is definitive. Early trauma has an adverse effect on brain development.”

One adverse effect is decreased executive function which includes deficiencies in intellectual development, academic achievement, IQ, attention, social skills, impulse control and risk assessment. Another adverse effect? Increased anxiety and depression.

As an adoptee matures they may have identity issues. Travis is having difficulty with his identity and sense of self. Who he is. Could all of this be why?

Constant research over the years has given me a better understanding of Travis. Before I had so many unanswered questions. He was placed into my arms at birth, and I have not let go since. I thought that should be enough to heal him. He has told us time and time again over the years that he feels like he doesn’t fit in with our family. But then we have the talk about family. I’ve written about this before. Ohana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. (Travis loves Lilo and Stitch!)

My hope is with continued therapy Travis will heal and find a sense of self. That his wounds will scab over and all he will be left with is scars worthy of the badass warrior he is. I know that is what Travis imagines for himself. Sometimes when this world gets to be too much for him, he becomes a strong warrior in his imagined world. And that gets him through another day.

“A pinch of soul, with a whole lot of sass, a sprinkle of naughty and just enough class. The strength of a warrior, and a go-to-hell glare, a past that’s not perfect because life isn’t fair. A sailor’s mouth with a heart full of love, that’s what a badass is made of.” - cwpoet

“Be proud of your scars. They have everything to do with what you’ve endured. They’re a treasure map to the deep self. - Clarissa Pinkola Estes