Just Be Kind — No Stone Left Unturned

Travis has had many life experiences that made him the man he is today. There are many reasons for sharing his story. We want others with similar experiences to know that they are not alone. Maybe in sharing our story we can take our long and winding road of learning and experience and shorten the path for others.

For Travis, the purpose of allowing me to write his story is to make the world a better place. He doesn’t believe that he has much to offer this world. But if one person becomes more compassionate because of something they read in his story, then he has purpose.

Travis has shared with me many times that he does not like this world. He tells me that he is from a different place, and he wants to go back there one day. I believe that will be the case. That when we leave this world we go to a better place. It’s not what he is talking about. But wait. What if it is? And he is just describing it as he sees it? Pretty deep.

Anyway, last week I explained a bit about what makes Travis tick. Why his hurt runs so deep. Add that to his autism diagnosis and his learning disability. If you had a chance to read last week, then you understand why I think my boy is so brave. Each day is a struggle, but he is doing it.

Today I wanted to talk a bit about having an “invisible” disability. My friends know what I am talking about. When you look at Travis, you do not see his disability. Because his disability is not obvious to people that do not know him, those people have a certain expectation of him. Some people have been unkind when Travis doesn’t behave as expected.

I recently read an article by a clinical psychologist, Andrew Solomon, at www.nytimes.com called, “What Happens When You’re Disabled but Nobody Can Tell”. Solomon states, “Societal reactions to hidden disabilities can be harsh. Some parents of autistic children say that it is difficult to be in public with a neurotypical-seeming child who suddenly experiences a huge meltdown because of apparent sensory overload. People stop and stare, offer unsolicited advice or reprimand the parents for their presumed abuse or indifference in the face of their child’s outrageous behavior”.

One of my first blog articles, “Teachable Moments”, highlights one of our many such experiences where I received a reprimand from another shopper in the grocery store. I thought at the time that I should have a laminated sheet of paper telling our story. Laminated so that I could use it again and again. I believe that if people knew our story and the lengths we have gone in helping Travis they would be more patient and kind.

I also believe that people are more patient and kind when they can see that a person is disabled. Most people will hold the door for a person with crutches or in a wheelchair.

Travis has several diagnoses that he deals with on a daily basis. When others are unkind to him it only makes matters worse. Solomon writes, “Social insensitivity is endemic to the lives of people with permanent but invisible disabilities that affect their daily functioning” and “An autistic person, or a person with mental illness, will often be disdained or even assailed for peculiar behavior”.

What do I propose we do to eliminate this injustice? Just be kind. It is that simple. If you see a mother struggling with her child? Do not stop and stare. Do not offer advice. Do not reprimand her. How hard is that really? Maybe offer her a smile.

We don’t know everyone’s story. We shouldn’t need to. Why not just be kind? Maybe their child is autistic. Maybe not. Does it matter?

I have mentioned before that I am a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate). CASA Volunteers advocate for children who have been victims of abuse or neglect. CASA volunteers are appointed by judges to represent the best interests of the child. Volunteers visit with the children weekly, gather information from family members, medical professionals, teachers and therapists, and then make recommendations to the court regarding services for and placement of the children.

I bring this up because I wanted to talk about ways to make our world a better place. A great place to start is not only making a difference in the lives of children, but also teaching children about kindness and how they can make a difference in the lives of others. I have had the honor over the past five plus years to serve five children. I not only advocate for these children, I also mentor them. We work on random acts of kindness. I have a bingo game that we play. Their goal is to get a blackout. I make the acts fairly simple for the kids since they do not have much.

I actually talk about the definition of kindness with them. Kindness is a type of behavior marked by acts of generosity, consideration, or concern for others, without having an expectation of praise or reward. I stress to them the last part. Doing something nice for someone without expecting anything in return.

My current CASA kiddo opens the door for me every place that we go together. And she thanks me every week for spending time with her.

As adults we are responsible for, at the very least, teaching our own kids to be kind to others. All adults should be modeling kind behavior.

It shouldn’t matter that you may or may not be able to see an individual’s disability. It shouldn’t matter if you know someone’s story or not. It could be as simple as someone just having a bad day. If we want to make the world a better place we can all start with just being kind. I challenge each reader to perform a random act of kindness this week.

“I’ve noticed something about people who make a difference in the world; they hold the unshakable conviction that individuals are extremely important, that every life matters. They get excited over one smile. They are willing to feed one stomach, educate one mind, and treat one wound. They aren’t determined to revolutionize the world all at once; they’re satisfied with small changes. Over time, though, the small changes add up. Sometimes, they even transform cities and nations, and yes, the world.” - Beth Clark, Kisses from Katie