Uniquely Designed

Feeling overwhelmed comes in waves. I am trying so hard to take my own advice. To ride the wave. To take care of myself so that I can be the best version of me. So I can be there for my family. So I can take better care of Travis’s needs.

Somehow taking care of myself seems to consistently end up on the bottom of the list. Last week I had every intention to join my caregiver retreat rope team on a Zoom get together. That day didn’t go as planned and I had nothing left in the tank when it was time to sign on. I wanted to be there to support them, and to receive some support from them, but was simply too exhausted.

Last week I left a message for a possible new therapist. I was unavailable when she returned my call. Here it is a week later, and I haven’t called again. Fell to the bottom of the list.

I need to find a new massage therapist. I love my massage therapist; I have been going to her for maybe fifteen years. I have followed her each time she moved. But her last move was just a bit too far, and her schedule only allowed for weekend appointments. It has been on my to do list forever! And keeps getting moved forward to the next weeks to-do list.

Way back in the day I used to thrive under pressure. Maybe it’s easier when you’re younger. Or maybe the pressure is greater now. I just can’t describe how hard it is when you’re making decisions daily regarding the life of a loved one. Constantly second guessing yourself. Making some good decisions, making some mistakes.

Making decisions for your own life is one thing. Mistakes only hurt yourself.

I’ve been doing a lot of fun things to fill my bucket. I play Bunco monthly with my neighbor ladies. That’s always a fun time. Our Bunco group is planning a hayride for Halloween. We are also planning a progressive dinner in December.

I meet with my book club friends monthly on video chat. We live in four different states. We have read some great books and enjoy visiting about them. I started the book club during Covid because I so desperately needed to see my people. Our plan is to keep it going.

We watched our grandson play football and then went out to dinner with our family. The grandboys are growing up so fast. Our oldest grandson is in middle school! How is that even possible?

Tracy and I went to the cabin this past weekend and didn’t cut down a single tree! We went for a long ATV ride and enjoyed a beautiful fall day.

Lots of good stuff.

But I still found it difficult to sleep last night. Because I knew I had to go to Travis’s today and support him during a Zoom court hearing.

If you’ve been following our story, you know that Travis was in a car accident that totaled his car. He got a ticket for careless driving. He couldn’t accept that he was at fault. A truck moved into his lane causing the car in front of him to stop suddenly. He couldn’t get stopped fast enough. He said the accident wouldn’t have happened if the truck didn’t squeeze into his lane. And he’s right about that. But he was following too closely.

We talked about this several times. Accidents happen. Most times the person that hits a car from behind gets the ticket. Especially when the car in front of him got stopped without hitting the offending truck. They veered off the road and hit the curb.

Each time we visited about the incident, Travis got worked up and angry. He wanted to fight the citation in court. He wants the driver of the truck to take responsibility. Only that person drove off. I talked with Travis several times about being respectful. I told him that I would be by his side.

My mind goes to all these crazy places. There was one time my mic didn’t work for a Zoom meeting. I was certain that was going to happen again. It didn’t. There was one time Zoom decided it needed to update when I was going to be just in time to join a meeting, making me a couple of minutes late. I was certain that was going to happen. It didn’t. Travis got angry every time we even talked about the accident or the court hearing. I was certain he was going to have a meltdown or say something inappropriate during the hearing. He does have a habit of saying everything he is thinking out loud. He didn’t.

I did pat his leg a time or two, a reminder to “not go there”. He ended up doing pretty well. There were six other guys in the Zoom hearing. All about his age. With similar citations. Asking to talk to the prosecutor. To see if they could negotiate a plea deal. Travis and I had talked about him asking to talk to the prosecutor. I told Travis he may be able to get a deal of some sort because he had been driving for eleven years and this was his first citation.

Even though I had assured him several times that accidents happen, and people get citations all the time, I think seeing other people in the same boat helped him to see that this wasn’t happening to just him. His citation was for a misdemeanor careless driving for four points. The misdemeanor was changed to a traffic infraction of following too close which is also four points, but the prosecutor reduced it to two points.

The prosecutor did ask Travis if he had anything to say. Of course he did! He told his story, the prosecutor said the way the law is written, the person that hits from behind gets the citation. And Travis let it go.

When it was over he was relieved. So was I! Travis said that he thought he was going to jail. What? I asked him why he didn’t tell me. I would have assured him that wasn’t the case. I pointed out to Travis that the prosecutor told him the exact same thing I did. Travis said it was more official coming from the prosecutor. Can you feel my eyes rolling?

I looked locally for weeks for a replacement used car for Travis. Finally, I broadened my search to the Denver area. Used cars are a bit expensive right now. I found what I thought was a good deal on a 2005 Ford Escape. The ad said it didn’t have any mechanical issues. The guy selling it said it had some dings and bumps but had been in the family all its life. It was his grandfather's. Tracy and Travis test drove it. Once again, we were told that it didn’t have any mechanical issues. We purchased it.

I asked Tracy to drive it home. It was two hours from home. I didn’t want Travis to drive it on the highway in the Denver area, especially without plates. I was confused when Tracy exited off the highway. The car died. We weren’t too concerned at first. We thought it might be the battery. I turned our truck around so Tracy could charge the battery and the car started right up.

Until it died again, pretty much right away. I got a lesson in towing. At this point we are on some back roads, and we realize it was going to take several hours to get home if we towed it all the way. We decided to leave it in a grocery store parking lot. Tracy let the staff now we were not abandoning it, we would be back the next day.

Tracy went back the next day with our trailer and brought it to an auto mechanic. In the meantime, I bought a carfax. The owner’s tried on three different occasions over the previous six weeks to pass emissions and it failed every time. They took it to a shop. That’s probably when they were told the alternator needed to be replaced. My guess is they charged it, and the charge held through the test drive. They most certainly knew it did have mechanical issues.

To the tune of $1,750. I was certain it wasn’t going to pass emissions. It did. Because I no longer trusted the couple that sold it to us, I was certain there would be issues obtaining a title. There wasn’t.

Dealing with the car. The insurance claim. The licensing. The court hearing. On top of regular stuff.

The annual representative payee report was due. Travis’s Medicaid recertification was due. Travis had an appointment with his pulmonologist. An update conversation with Travis’s therapist. An updated Covid vaccine. A psychiatrist appointment. Weekly grocery shopping. Can I bring his dog to see him? Working on mobile home repairs, (holes punched in walls) in preparation for the HUD inspection. And…..

I do a lot of reading. Somewhere along the way a caregiver wrote of their story, “I was uniquely designed to do this”. I realized that that was true of me too. I was uniquely designed to raise and care for this boy.

“I was sure God meant to ask somebody else. Somebody more equipped. This was way over our heads. If you want to be filled with the Holy Spirit, if you want to see God at work in your life, then get in over your heads. Thank you, Lord, that You don’t look for the strongest to carry out Your will. You simply look for the willing. God doesn’t call on the equipped, he equips the one’s he calls on.” - Author Unknown