Taking a Break

Happy Halloween!

It’s hard to believe that I have been writing my blog weekly (mostly) for almost four years now.

When I started, I had several reasons for writing our story. My hope was that in sharing our story, our successes and our failures, our wins and our losses, that you the reader would come away with something. Maybe you could relate, and you came upon some information that helped you get through a personal situation. Maybe you don’t have a child with special needs, but you came away with a bigger heart. Maybe you just got to know me better.

I believe that writing this blog is part of my purpose. In the beginning I said that I hoped you would get something from reading it. I also hoped that I would get something from writing it.

I definitely got something from writing our story.

A few months ago, I wrote that I reread my blog from the beginning. One thing I can say for certain is that I have shown a lot of growth in these last four years. Writing our story laid it all out there for me. Just how much we have tried and how hard we have fought for Travis’s well-being. Putting it all on paper made it more than a memory. It somehow made it all real.

For years my mind was set that I was going to leave no stone left unturned until we had a successful outcome. I wasn’t sure exactly what a successful outcome might look like, but I was confident that I would know it when I saw it. I have always described it as Travis becoming the best version of himself. And Travis finding some level of happiness. Some purpose.

Twenty years ago, I made a promise to Travis to never stop searching for ways to help him to feel better. He promised to try all the things. We both did our best to keep our promise to each other.

It wasn’t until I reread the entire blog and did some serious reflection that I realized we already reached our successful outcome. Travis is the best version of himself. I didn’t know it when I saw it like I expected. It took me four years of writing to realize that we did it. It took him telling me several times, “I’m done.” for me to recognize that he was done trying all the things.

During these years of writing, I have read and quoted from several books. Some of these books helped me to understand more about autism. About intellectual disabilities. About mental illness. So I could better understand what makes Travis tick.

Some of the books helped me to understand my caregiver burnout and how important it was for me to take good care of myself too.

Some of the books were about mindfulness, not worrying, having faith…

I’m not sure that I would have read all the books if I were not writing weekly.

My growth revolved around acceptance. You can love your family member deeply and do everything in your power to help them and it may not be enough. Ever. I have learned to accept that I can’t fix his pain. I have learned to accept that I am doing my best. There are limits to what I can do.

My growth included learning to surrender. Surrender my need for different results. Surrender the guilt I feel for not being able to fix his pain. Surrender my feeling of not being enough.

My new promise to Travis is that he will never journey alone. His family will always be by his side.

I didn’t write a blog last week. I was working through the idea of taking a break. Then today I received an email from DailyOM. I’ve written before that I signed up to receive their inspirational articles. You can subscribe at www.dailyom.com. This is the article I received in its entirety:

Taking A Break From What You Are Doing

Sometimes finding the answer is as easy as taking a break and stepping back from the situation.

”Sometimes we can get so wrapped up in our thoughts that we wind up going around and around in circles, finding it difficult to concentrate on things and, because we are so distracted, not really accomplishing much. There may be signals -- mental, emotional, or physical -- that tell us we need to slow down and relax. Since we are so involved in things that are external to us, however, we may easily overlook what is really going on inside of us. It is during these times that we need to step back from the things that occupy our minds and take a moment to connect with our inner self, giving our minds, bodies, and spirits the time they need to re-energize and heal.

At first it may seem that by taking a break, we may not be as productive as we would initially like. In reality, a healthy period of rest is something that gives us a real sense of the unlimited nature of our true potential. Spending a couple of minutes walking outside, doing a few yoga poses, meditating, or simply becoming attuned to the rising and falling of our breath enables us to let go of our worries. This act brings our focus back to the things that are truly essential for us, such as our sense of oneness with the universe and our inner peace and well-being. As we begin to get in touch with this part of ourselves, we will find that our usual everyday troubles and worries become less critical and that we not only have much more room in our lives to really reflect on the issues that mean the most to us, but we are also able bring a much more positive and healthy outlook to the rest of our lives.

Giving ourselves respite from our daily concerns is like giving a gift to ourselves. By stepping away from the problems that seem to saturate our thoughts, we lessen the weight of our troubles and instead become more receptive to the wisdom and answers the universe has to offer us.”

Wow! Isn’t that crazy? This article showing up in my inbox the same day that I plan to let you all know that I am taking a break? Having a weekly deadline is simply not peaceful. Even if I set that deadline myself.

The truth is that in the beginning of my writing, there was so much story to tell. My thought was that our story may become a book. The idea of writing a book felt so overwhelming. Corey encouraged me to write a blog, taking small bites of material, telling our story bit by bit.

Four years of writing weekly blogs - I have enough material for a book. I need to figure out next steps. Is it possible that I am so wrapped up in the weekly blog that I am having difficulty accomplishing much as far as next steps?

My word this year is healing. The article says by stepping away from our problems that seem to saturate our thoughts, we lesson the weight of our troubles and become more receptive to the wisdom and answers the universe has to offer us.

In the interest of my healing, I have set boundaries with Travis. I have been focusing on self-care. My next step in the healing process is to realign my focus. For years the majority of my focus has been on Travis. (Saturating my thoughts.) As his caregiver, I can’t change some of that. Writing weekly has put even more of my focus on Travis stuff.

My plan is to continue writing and posting blogs. When I feel like it. I’m not going to define it. (Once a week, twice a month, once a month…) I will keep you all in the loop when I learn something new. When something exciting happens. How things are going.

I want to thank you all for being there. Some of you have been with me long before the blog! Some of you have been with me from the beginning of the blog. Some found your way to me somewhere along the way. I don’t even know how. You’ve followed our story, and because you did, I know you care. I have always appreciated your support. I really appreciated your comments.

There have been times along the way that I wanted to give up. Then a reader would share how something I wrote made a difference in their life.

I accomplished what I set out to do. You got something from reading our story and I got something from writing it!

“The greatest gift you can give yourself is a little bit of your own attention.” - Anthony J. D’Angelo

“Take time off. The world will not fall apart without you.” - Malebo Sephodi

“Sometimes giving yourself a break is the very thing you need.” - Author Unknown

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