Sand in the Hourglass — No Stone Left Unturned

Last week I wrote about granting myself grace. Years ago Travis and I pinky swore. I said that I would leave no stone unturned in searching for any answers that may help to alleviate some of his pain and he said he would try what I came up with.

Some unturned stones led to ideas or therapies that we chose not to try because they were not a good fit for him or our family. Many unturned stones led to ideas that we did try without results.

The problem is that it is difficult to determine actual results. For many reasons. Travis said he would try what I came up with. But oftentimes he put forth little effort. I honestly can’t put my finger on why because it could be any one of many things.

Was he capable of more effort but he thought the idea was stupid? Did his mental illness tell him he didn’t have what it took to put forth more effort? Did his intellectual/developmental disability get in the way of Travis understanding what was expected of him? Or was he giving it his all?

Finding new stones to unturn is getting harder. I ask myself why I continue to work so hard, why I read and research everything I can. The answer is plain and simple. It is because Travis tells me on a daily basis how unhappy he is with his life. For some reason I have come to believe that it is my duty to fix it.

Lately it seems my, desperate or determined ideas are failing. Is there a message in that?

A couple of weeks ago I was so excited about a candidate that I interviewed for the live-in aide position. He seemed like a great fit. I handled this situation more carefully. I made sure he saw the home he would be living in and spent some time with Travis. They had a great conversation and he seemed like a good decision. He got his background check. He decided he would like to take on some of the cooking and cleaning. He contacted the provider agency to begin the paperwork to become their employee.

And then he ghosted us. After several days of zero response to calls, texts or emails he finally texted me that he changed his mind. I asked for some insight but never received another response. At first I started the negative self talk. I must have missed something. I stopped and told myself that I am trying my best.

Travis was devasted. Again. He wanted to know what he did. He showed me his phone, said they were having a good conversation. I couldn’t tell Travis what happened. I didn’t know myself.

Travis called the guy before I could say not to. He left an awesome message about how he was sad that he wasn’t moving in after all, and told him that he hoped they could still be friends and hang out sometime. My boy amazes me.

Travis needs a live-in aide due to safety issues. Finding one that will also provide some cooking and cleaning services would be ideal because provider agencies are extremely short staffed. So we will have to try again. But it is hard to see Travis get hurt.

Another recent decision I made was to get a second opinion on Travis’s psychiatric care. My concern was that he is just not making any progress. He has not seen any relief from his chronic depression and other mental health issues.

While researching natural psychiatric care I came upon, “The Wholeness Center”. Their website www.wholeness.com describes a newer treatment in the research trials stage that I had encountered while watching “The Wisdom of Trauma” movie highlighting the work of Dr. Gabor Mafe.

Per their website, “Psychedelic-assisted psychotherapy (PAP) is an innovative mental health treatment currently being studied in numerous research studies. Preliminary results suggest that PAP has remarkable potential for treating debilitating mental health disorders including PTSD, depression, OCD, anorexia, addiction, among others. One of the leading research organizations in this field, the Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies, projects that MDMA-assisted psychotherapy will be an approved treatment for PTSD by 2023 (Wholeness Center is one of 14 international locations participating this critical research). Psilocybin-assisted psychotherapy for treatment-resistant depression is likely to gain FDA approval soon after.

Psychedelics have been used over millennia by indigenous cultures as tools for healing and spiritual exploration. Long dismissed by Western society as dangerous drugs with no beneficial uses, these powerful substances are now rapidly gaining mainstream acceptance in what many are calling a “psychedelic renaissance.” Stigma from the War on Drugs and negative associations of psychedelics from the past are beginning to fade as researchers uncover the profound benefits these substances can confer when used prudently in safe, therapeutic settings.

In contrast to the standard practice of prescribing pharmaceutical drugs for daily use, the emerging PAP model involves much less frequent administration of a psychedelic medicine. In some cases, just one or two sessions have been shown to significantly reduce symptoms with benefits that can endure over months, years, or even indefinitely. This approach is also unique as it incorporates psychotherapy as a key component in treatment, with the psychedelic medicine serving as a catalyst for deeper transformation in the therapeutic process. Rather than masking symptoms with daily medications, clients undergoing PAP alongside a skilled, compassionate therapist are often able to address the root causes of their suffering and find lasting physical and psychological relief.

While psychedelic medicines such as MDMA, LSD, and psilocybin are still being investigated clinically and are not yet approved as treatments, ketamine is already widely used in this manner as a legal and effective medication for treatment-resistant depression, anxiety, acute suicidality, OCD, PTSD, and other mental health issues. Ketamine-assisted psychotherapy (KAP) has emerged as a pioneering treatment approach that follows the model of psychedelic-assisted psychotherapy. Most ketamine infusion centers do not supply psychotherapy or use this psychedelic model; they merely infuse ketamine. Wholeness Center proudly offers this innovative treatment for people struggling with a range of challenging mental health conditions, as well as for those seeking psychospiritual growth and exploration.”

I decided to stay open-minded about this idea.

I was also surprised to find that one of the psychiatrists that founded The Wholeness Center, Dr. Scott Shannon, was the psychiatrist that Travis saw when he was a child.

I found an article that he wrote, “The Case for using MDMA to Heal Victims of Trauma”, at www.wired.com. Dr. Shannon, while telling the story of a desperate client states, “I too had grown desperate. For the better part of four decades, my colleagues in psychiatry and I have battled PTSD—along with depression, anxiety, and other chronic mental illnesses—with not enough to show for it.

As a young doctor in the 1980s, the launch of Prozac had appeared to offer the promise of a grand new era in treating trauma. Brains, we were told, could be cured through the correction of biochemistry. But the promise of that era never seemed to materialize. Though some patients got better over time, many seemed to slip into a resigned monthly shuffle to and from the psychiatric office to refill or switch medications, many of which just didn’t seem to work, at least not for long.

As someone who’d gone into the profession to help heal mental wounds, I often felt trapped in a dulling and dispiriting cycle. Despite increased effort, our profession’s worst outcome, suicide, continues to rise. In the 30 years since the pharmaceutical revolution began, psychiatry may be the only medical field to lose ground to its diseases.

The only thing I can say with certainty about MDMA is that, for the first time in many years, my waiting room is no longer a revolving door of solemn faces; it’s alive with the possibilities of recovery.

More than anything, working with MDMA has given me the chance to believe once again in the possibilities of recovery from trauma. Now when I sit down with someone, I feel less like a phony expert attempting to outsmart the brain’s chemistry and more like the patient’s equal, helping them explore their mind in new ways that change their understanding of who they are and make meaning of what they’ve experienced. I look forward to each day, just as I once did, to the mystery of the mind and how it might begin to heal itself.”

After two visits with a psychiatrist there, she determined that Travis wouldn’t be a candidate for ketamine-assisted psychotherapy. She thought no matter what natural path they may be able to put together for Travis, he would still need some sort of pharmaceutical medication. I had given her the list of all the medications that he tried in the past. She supported his current psychiatrist prescribing Vraylar. She felt that it would be ok because we were doing a good job of watching Travis’s glucose numbers.

The Wholeness Center doesn’t accept Medicaid. They suggested that Travis continue to work with his current psychiatrist. The Wholeness Center psychiatrist was unsure that Travis would benefit from their natural programs. Travis would need to take a variety of supplements. Part of their program also includes eating healthy and of course exercise. It would take an extreme level of commitment.

Travis is not going to follow their recommendations. So the question becomes how much time, effort and money do I put into this idea?

Travis does not use his BiPap regularly. Travis does not take his medications regularly, even though he has a medication box with an alarm. He does not exercise. He is going to eat what he wants.

Travis currently sees a hematologist, a pulmonologist, a psychiatrist and his primary care physician. They have all told him how important it is to his health to do all the things. I’m back to not being able to put my finger on why he doesn’t do all the things. All that matters is that he doesn’t.

None of the stones turned thus far have helped to motivate him to do all the things. Or to understand why doing all the things is important.

The psychiatrist at The Wholeness Center did tell me that she was worried about me. Which caught me off guard. I thought I was holding it all together pretty well.

Corey and I had an opportunity to talk, just the two of us, while she and her family visited over Thanksgiving weekend. She told me that Travis’s diagnoses are not mine to carry. His unhappiness is not mine to carry.

She thinks that I developed my “have to fix-it” personality during my formative years of childhood because of some of the obstacles I faced during my upbringing. Keep in mind she has a master’s degree in clinical psychology. She would like me to consider talk therapy. Her concern is that Travis stuff is taking up so much of my space that there is none left for myself or others.

She makes a good point. If Travis isn’t going to or isn’t capable of participating in his health, how much can I really do to help him?

Would I be better served spending more time on myself? My health? Doing the things that bring me joy? With the people that bring me joy? And if I take better care of my own needs will I be better able to parent him? Just as he is.

I need to rethink how I am investing my time. There is only so much sand in the hourglass.

“The more sand that has escaped from the hourglass of our life, the clearer we should see through it.” - Jean Paul

“Your time is the most valuable asset you have, invest it where you get the best returns.” - Apoorve Dubey