Granting Myself Grace

I’ve shared with you in the past that November is National Caregiver’s month. The perfect time for a very good friend of mine to send me the following letter by writer, Alethea Jo:

“Dear Special Needs Mom,

I want you to know that I see you.
I see you running your child to therapy when your friends are running their kids to Little League.
I see you slipping out the of conversation when your friends are all chiming in about milestones and test grades.
I see you juggling appointments and meetings, always making sure you do the best for your child.
I see you sitting at your computer for hours researching what your child needs.
I see you cringe when people whine about the petty things that pale in comparison to your day.
I see you spread thin, but still going the extra mile for your family, and managing to do it with a smile.
I see you digging for depths of strength you never dreamed you had.
I see you showing appreciation to the teachers, therapists and medical professionals who serve your child with you.
I see you reluctantly rising early in the morning to do it all again after another chaotic night.
I see you when you’re hanging on to the end of your rope for dear life.
I know you feel invisible, like nobody notices any of it. But I want you to know that I notice you.

I see you in the trenches, relentlessly pushing onward.

I see you keep choosing to do everything in your power to give your child the best possible care at home, in school, at therapy, and the doctor. What you’re doing matters. It’s worth it.

On those days when you wonder if you can do it another minute, I want you to know that I see you.

I want you to know that you’re beautiful.

I want you to know that it’s worth it.

I want you to know that you aren’t alone.

I want you to know that love is what matters most, and you have that nailed.
And on those days when you have breakthroughs, those times when the hard work, pays off and success is yours to cherish, I see you then too, and I am proud of you.

Whichever day today is, you’re worthy, you’re good, and I see you.”

I know her letter is to all special needs moms, but I feel like she wrote it to me. Alethea is a special needs mom herself, so she is writing from her own heartfelt experience.

I am forever grateful for one of my tribe members for sending me the message that she sees me. She has gone above and beyond the duty of friendship to listen and be there to support me. Many of my tribe members have. I appreciate all of their compassionate support.

I was about to start this next sentence with, “These last few weeks” but the truth is I have been juggling more balls than it is possible to do without dropping some here and there, for years not weeks.

This past Friday I picked up Travis’s dog, Sheila, from her five day immersion training. The trainer shared that there is two ways to work on Sheila’s high energy level. One is with a good amount of exercise. The second is to mentally challenge her. He said that working with her on her training will accomplish that. He talked about how tired she was each night, which in turn lowered her energy level.

I get it. That is why I fall into bed exhausted every night. The constant thought process behind each decision that I make is mentally challenging me!

There are a lot of loose ends of recent decisions that are in process, that may or may not end up in the good decision category. More on these decisions on another day. I am once again feeling overwhelmed. I remind myself to be in the moment. Not worry about the future today. I am focusing on granting myself grace. I’m making the best decisions I can based on the information I have. I’m doing my best.

Thanksgiving is this week. I remind myself to focus on gratitude. I have so much to be thankful for.

Years ago I had an employee at my Hallmark store that had a tendency to think negatively. She was a high school student and each day she came in to work she would tell me a story about her day, but she focused on the bad stuff. There is plenty of material when you’re a teenage girl. In the beginning I listened to her stories.

Eventually I began to cut her off. I told her to tell me one good thing about her day. I shared that once she told me a good thing, I would be happy to hear about the rest of her day. It took her a few days before I didn’t have to remind her. Funny thing was that once she got in the habit of telling me a good thing, she stopped bringing up the bad things.

I’ve been working on this same process with Travis. Is it possible to retrain his brain to think more positive thoughts? The experts say so. Recently he wanted to tell me all the reasons why he was mad at his dad. I cut him off. Which he hates by the way. Even though he is a master of doing the same to others. I told him to tell me five good things about his dad.

Much to my surprise he was able to list good things.

When he starts to tell me all the ways that I have let him down, I reply by saying something smart assy, along the lines of, “Are you kidding me? You won the mom lotto when you got me!”

The experts say one of the things you should do when you want to think more positively is to start a gratitude journal. Travis is not going to write in a journal. Or anywhere for that matter.

I know from experience that telling him about the good in his life and what to be grateful for doesn’t work. So my new strategy is to have him tell me from his perspective about the good stuff.

I tell him all the time all the great things about him. His go to response is, “Your my mom, you’re supposed to say that.” What if I ask him to tell me what is great about him. Will it stick better?

The experts say to stop the negative self-talk. Show yourself grace.

I watched a short video today by Abbi Winslow. I don’t know her or what her credentials are, but she had some great advice about negative thoughts. Stop it, replace it, believe it.

Stop your negative thought, replace it with a simple mantra like, I’m trying my best, then believe it.

One of the many things I have to be thankful for? All of you. Your comments lift me. Your support of my family and our story is amazing.

Whatever is going on in your lives, the good, the bad, and the ugly, stop and take a few deep breaths.

Don’t just savor the food. Savor the moments.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

“When you fall, the grace of allowing yourself to just lay there, resting in the mess for awhile before rising again, can be the most tender form of self care. Practice it.” - Nanea Hoffman

“Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love.” - Brene Brown