Peace of Mind
My goal for this year was to read a book per week. Fifty two books this year. It seemed doable when I set it. Even though I am falling behind, I have certainly increased my reading. Which is a good thing. I have read seven books with my book club this year. Many had a similar theme, being a strong woman during hard times. We decided to pick a funny book for July. We all agreed if was time.
Our last couple of books have been historical fiction. If you know me, then you know history was my least favorite subject in high school. I want you to know that I now have a more detailed understanding of the Great Depression, the Dust Bowl and the Holocaust. But at the same time, don’t be surprised if I bump into you and I cannot remember your name.
I always tell people that my brain is at capacity. For each new thing I learn, I lose something. There isn’t any more storage space. I don’t know what I am losing until I need it. I play this game with Tracy, describing the word I want to say, until he guesses it.
Tracy will ask me if I want to watch a documentary on the History Channel with him. No! They remind me of having to watch a special on a movie projector in school. Remember when the film would break from the reel? And the teacher would try to tape it together perfectly enough so the film would feed through the projector?
That’s when I would put my head down and close my eyes. Or write a note and secretly pass it to a friend.
Three of the books that I have read so far this year are on autism. A couple more are partially read. If you’ve been following along, you already know that, because I quote from them often in my blog articles.
There are a couple of books that are partially read on writing a book. That is a goal of mine. Take all of my blogs and somehow format them into a book.
If I finished all of my partially read books, I would be pretty close to my book per week average!
Most of the others are about having hope, staying positive and things like building good habits. I think about the time I spend playing games on the computer or reading Facebook, and I realize the building good habits idea is still a work in progress!
I have been reading books or listening to podcasts by Glennon Doyle, Martha Beck, Hoda Kotb, Elizabeth Gilbert and Anne Lamott. All successful women with a message.
Glennon Doyle gives women a wake-up call. Her message is to stop pleasing and start living. She says to stop striving to meet the expectations of others and start trusting the voice deep within us.
Martha Beck’s message is finding our life’s purpose. She is a life coach that teaches how to achieve greater levels of personal and professional success.
Elizabeth Gilbert’s message is creative living without fear.
Hoda Kotb’s, “This Just Speaks to Me”, is a daily burst of inspiration through quotes. You all know, I love my quotes!
This weekend I finished, “Almost Everything, Notes on Hope”, by Anne Lamott. Chapter Two of this book is titled, Inside Job. Lamott starts the chapter by saying, “There is almost nothing outside you that will help in any kind of lasting way, unless you are waiting for a donor organ. You can’t buy, achieve, or date serenity. Peace of mind is an inside job, unrelated to fame, fortune or whether your partner loves you. Horribly, what this means is that it is also an inside job for the few people you love most desperately in the world. We cannot arrange lasting safety or happiness for our most beloved people. They have to find their own ways, their own answers.”
This got me thinking about Travis. We have laid the foundation. We did way more than most parents have to in order to give this boy the best possible outcome. And are still doing. Still leaving no stone unturned.
Travis’s situation is complicated. His diagnoses. Autism. Intellectual/developmental disability. Mental illness.
Every day is a battle for individuals suffering with mental illness. Travis feels that he is worthless. That he doesn’t belong. He battles the feeling of self-hatred. He feels like the world would be better off without him. He tells me that I don’t understand, and I know he is right. Travis simply can’t find happiness. He is angry because he has been dealing with his mental health for years and can’t find relief.
Because of his intellectual disability, he is unable to make sound decisions.
Because of his autism, he is unable to self-regulate. He is unable to control his emotions.
We have tried everything we know to help him. New things that I hear about. New things that I read about. To no avail. So more recently I have been working with him on what he can do. I’m sure his therapists over the years have worked with him, on focusing on the good things in his life. And to think more positive thoughts.
But if it were that easy, at the very least the individuals without an intellectual disability would find a way to heal. Right? And that hasn’t happened for a great many people that suffer with mental illness.
It’s an inside job. I get it. For me. But I struggle with the idea of it for Travis. If he can’t make sound decisions, how will he find the way to healing? Without our help?
But then he hasn’t found his way to healing, even with our help.
Can you see why it is so hard to know if we are helping or hurting?
It is simply heart-wrenching to see Travis struggling. It’s hard to know how to best help and support him.
At the same time, I need to recognize and acknowledge that there are limits to what I can give.
Travis is currently refusing to talk to his therapist. He says that talk therapy doesn’t help him. That it just keeps pulling up the scab and keeps the wound from healing. What if he is right? Talk therapy isn’t the answer for some people. What makes it even more difficult for Travis is the intellectual disability barrier. If he can’t process what his therapist is saying, how will it be of any benefit?
An inside job means finding his own way, his own answers.
Lamott goes on to say, “I say this with love. If it is someone' else’s problem, you probably don’t have the solution. I hate this. I have a list of excellent ideas on how almost everyone I know should proceed in order to improve the quality of their lives, which might coincidentally improve the quality of mine, as I could stop worrying about their bad choices and wasted potential”.
Later in the chapter Lamott says, “There is nothing outside them, nothing they can date, buy, or achieve, that will fill the hole inside them or help them hit the reset button. But it’s very productive of you to try, and try, and try, although they tend to get sicker, as do you. Plus, they start to hate you. So there’s that.”
After reading this chapter, I began to wonder if Corey had read this book before she gave it to me.
I have been very productive, with trying and trying. Travis is not getting better. He definitely has a love/hate relationship with me. I am his kicking post.
Travis has a neighbor that fills his head with anti-mom junk. He tells Travis I want to control his life. He tells Travis that he is my “bitch boy”. I can always tell when the neighbor has been making his case because that is his terminology, not Travis’. The truth is that this neighbor likes to exploit Travis and he is unable to do so with me around.
Travis says that he wants to be more independent. I actually would love that! I remind him that if I wanted to control his life he would be living in my basement. (If I still had one!)
He tells me he wants me to back off. I’m game!
So this past weekend Tracy and I went to the cabin. On Thursday night instead of Friday night. I don’t have cell service at the cabin. Or wifi. That’s part of the appeal. Travis had a provider coming on Friday to help with cooking. His refrigerator is stocked. He had work on Saturday. We were coming home on Sunday.
When we got back into cell coverage, I had six voice texts from Travis. I’m not going to sugarcoat this. I am going to type the messages as he said them so that you can understand how hard it is to have a family member with all the diagnoses.
I’m going to quit my job because of you. You have mentally, physically and spiritually been very vindictive to my mental health. Basically you don’t understand. So, I’m leaving work. (Usually I am available to take calls from him while he is working, and talk him through whatever is happening. His job coach was not available to check in on him at work on this day either.)
Because I’m trying to stop a mental breakdown from the mental torment and abuse I’ve gone through. (As we processed this together later, he was upset because he was working with two people that he didn’t know and not with the boss as we had been told would happen. These people told him to work in the back room.)
So good job mentally conditioning a person to the point where they hate their life even more. And saying it’s ok, I’m not mentally bullying you. I’m not mentally tormenting you. I’m not mentally harassing you. But you guys have. (Everything not good in his life is in some way our fault.)
It’s called mental conditioning abuse. You guys conditioned my mind to deal with mental abuse. And physical abuse. And spiritual abuse by verbal action. Therefore, I am abused and you know this and don’t give a @#$%. So whatever. (This sounds like some terms his neighbor would use. His neighbor was a conspiracy theorist before it was popular to be. Mental conditioning abuse?)
Oh, and top of that I don’t have any gas now, so thanks. (He had a quarter of a tank when we got home. I know this because he sent me a picture.)
Mom, I’m not trying to be mean, I’m just trying to say that I needed you this weekend. Because I didn’t know about the gas until I looked at it before work. (I believe the first sentence was real. And that he added the second sentence because he didn’t want to admit he needed me. And because he had plenty of gas to get to work.)
Give me my independence! I’m upset because I needed you!
My head is spinning and my heart hurts.
Per Lamott, “You can raise and care for your nearest and dearest the best you can, put them in the best schools, rehab, condo, or memory care, and never, ever give up on their having the best possible life available. But if you think you can rescue them with your good ideas and your checkbook, or even get them to choose a healthy, realistic way of life, that mistake will make both of you much worse than you already are.”
Peace of mind is an inside job. According to Lamott, I’m not going to be able to help Travis find it.
Maybe I should expend that energy fighting for my own peace of mind.
If I remember right, I think all of the above women I’ve been reading mentioned having a therapist. I think it may be time for me to get a therapist all my own. Versus talking to Travis’s therapist from time to time about Travis stuff.
In the interest of self care.
“Peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be.” - Wayne Dyer
“Peace of mind is knowing that by worrying about everything, you have changed nothing.” - Wise Living Today
“Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.” - Author Unknown