Don’t Clutter Your Soul
Today I am tired. It’s been a rough week.
Ridding our lives of toxic people is important to our well-being, but it can be hard. To date, I have found it impossible to keep toxic people out of Travis’s life. It has been hard enough to remove them from my own life.
One of the articles I read that speaks to me is called, “Removing Toxic People From Your Life in 9 Steps”, by Katherine Hurst, at www.thelawofattraction.com. Here are Katherine’s steps:
Don’t expect them to change. Firstly, and most importantly, moving past toxic relationships requires true acceptance of the fact that you can’t force toxic people to change. They may imply that they can change, or you may yearn to be the one who can help them become better, but this is almost always a hopeless project.
Toxic people are not motivated by what’s good for them or for their relationship with you. They’re motivated by their own complex problems and needs. When you give up the desire to change them, it’s much easier to let them go.
Establish and maintain boundaries. Toxic people drain your resources by constantly pushing you to work harder to please them, making you compromise more and more. This is exhausting and transgresses all acceptable relationship boundaries.
Don’t be pulled into crises. Toxic people often make it seem like they “need you” because they’re always in crisis. But the important thing to know is that these are crises of their own making.
Focus on the solution. Turn your attention to the fact you’re clearing up a psychological and emotional mess in your life.
Own your difficulties and weaknesses. When you’re in a toxic relationship of any kind, you’ll notice that the other person tends to exploit your flaws and find ways to use them against you.
Understand projection. Part of removing toxic people from your life involves reducing their power over your emotions and that requires recognizing that they’re not really seeing you when they’re hurting you.
In truth, they’re projecting onto you the parts of themselves they don’t want to acknowledge or accept so that they can pour all their suppressed self-hatred into attacking you.
Know they may resist. Toxic people often throw tantrums when they feel ignored. This is usually because you’re stopping them from being able to control or manipulate you.
Choose your battles carefully. Conflict with toxic people requires huge amounts of energy and time. Just remember you don’t need to engage in every fight that they might try to instigate. Instead, save that energy for looking after yourself, and for nourishing relationships that are genuinely healthy.
Surround yourself with healthy relationships. Finally, removing toxic people from your life can be deeply painful, as you may deeply care for some of these people in spite of how difficult it is to have them in your life.
To maintain your resilience and cope with any sadness, stay in close contact with those who make you feel safe, cherished and happy.
As I research and continue to learn about what might make Travis tick, I share information with Travis. My hope is that it will help him in some way to better understand himself. I have shared with him what I read about trauma in the womb. About trauma related to adoption. About PTSD.
He has been known to share this information with his tribe. He only remembers bits and pieces. I think he shares with his friends as a defense as to why he behaved a certain way.
Travis has a neighbor that comes to his house to hang out. This “friend” told Travis that he has been misdiagnosed. He told Travis that his parents agree. They don’t believe in cellular memory or that a person can suffer trauma before they have memories. Well then I guess it must be so. Sheeesh!
I have a four drawer file cabinet full of Travis’s records. I have trouble understanding how some neighbors think they can determine a diagnosis better than all the specialists over the last twenty plus years.
I personally wouldn’t give it a second thought. But Travis gets spun up about it.
I’m thinking even if these neighbors don’t agree with Travis’s diagnosis, what is the point of telling him so? What is their end game?
This is not what I had planned for our day. I have to count to ten. I have to ask Travis several times to please listen. I have to remind him that he cannot listen and talk at the same time.
I ask Travis if his friend or his parents have a medical degree. Nope. I ask him why he cares what they think. He just does. He wants me to call them and talk to them about it. I have zero interest in using my time to talk to these neighbors.
I love sharing our story with people that are willing to learn. I just think that if you’re an adult arguing with a young man on the autism spectrum, about his diagnosis, you’re probably not open to learning. These neighbors already know it all. What could they possibly learn?
I share with Travis that the labels for his diagnosis do not matter. Our goal is to help him heal. I understand that there is not a cure for autism. Heal in the sense that he can move forward and have a life of purpose.
Then I share that this “friend” may be toxic.
What gets more complicated is when the toxic behavior comes from a member of his biological family.
Travis has always known that he is adopted. Travis currently talks to a few members of his biological family. One member in particular has treated him harshly because she seems to think tough love will fix what ails him. She has overshared hurtful bio family information with him that only serves to make him feel worse about himself than he already does.
I am left to pick up the pieces.
I again remind Travis that this is toxic behavior and maybe he should block her. It needs to be his decision.
When we attend happy events within our family it throws Travis off kilter. He has told me many times that he feels like he doesn’t fit in with our family.
It hurts him to his core when we our laughing, having a good time in each others company. We make being happy look so easy.
Travis leans on me during these events. Hard.
It doesn’t matter what the event is, it brings out his self-loathing.
If its a wedding he says, “I’m never going to get married. Why can’t I find someone to love that loves me too?”
If its a new baby in the family he says, “I’m never going to be able to have kids.”
“It’s not fair that I was born this way.”
You get the picture.
I want to pick him up. Later. Right now I want to enjoy the celebration.
But what if? What if I have a toxic relationship with someone that I can’t cutoff?
What if the special needs of your adult child creates toxic relations? With all family members? What are we to do?
Per Sherrie Hurd, at www.learning-mind.com, “As much as their toxic behavior affects us, it also takes a toll on them as well. You see, it’s hard to function as an adult with adult responsibilities but yet react with childlike emotions. It just doesn’t fit.”
In, “Liking the Child You Love”, Jeffrey Bernstein PhD, says, “Troubled adult children often are master manipulators of their frustrated, desperate feeling parents. They know the guilt-triggering painful comments to say to their emotionally exhausted, vulnerable parents.
Guilt muddies the waters for parents of troubled adult children. Guilt plays tricks on the mind. It can convince you that your child's struggles are your fault. But given the role of genetics, negative peer influences, and personality characteristics that come in to play, parents would do well to serve themselves up some healthy doses of self-compassion.”
Bernstein offers some tips for breaking free of the manipulation. Here are a couple of them:
Be calm, firm, and non-controlling in your demeanor as you express these guiding expectations below to motivate your adult child toward healthy independence.
Set limits on how much time you spend helping your child resolve crises. Encourage the child to problem-solve by asking, "What are your ideas?” If he or she reflexively responds with, "I don't know." then politely say something like, "I believe in your resourcefulness and know you'll feel better about yourself when you give this some further thought."
Set firm boundaries with your child if he's constantly using your guilt to manipulate you.
As I reread and then shared with you the nine steps of removing toxic people, I realize that I am making gains. Not necessarily in removing the toxic person, but in understanding he is unlikely to change, working on boundaries, not getting involved in every crisis, focusing on solutions, owning my weaknesses, choosing battles and surrounding myself with healthy people.
I have to continue to be patient.
I wrote in the past about hoarding and getting rid of the stuff that clutters our space. When possible, also get rid of toxic people that clutter our hearts.
Clean up your life.
Don’t clutter your soul.
“Don’t clutter your soul. Clean out all toxic emotions, habits and people.” - Author Unknown
“Love is patient, love is kind, it is not jealous; love does not brag, it is not arrogant, it does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own benefit, it is not provoked, does not keep an account of a wrong suffered, it does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; it keeps every confidence, it believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 NASB
“If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to the state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you’ll be going, You know, we’re alright. We are dang near royalty.” - Jeff Foxworthy