Without a Doubt

I have a tendency to second guess every decision I make when it comes to supporting Travis and meeting his needs. I often wonder if I am asking too much of him in my quest to leave no stone unturned. If I even hesitate on moving forward with trying something new, I always have the “but what if” thought churning in the back of my mind. What if the next unturned stone is the one.

It’s not what you’re thinking. I understand that there is not a cure for autism. I want to make his day to day life go smoother for him. I want to surround him with people that care about him. I want to help him get into a rhythm. A routine that works for him. I want him to find satisfaction in his daily life. I want him to be happy.

He is not there. Not only can I see it, but he also tells me. So I cannot give up. I am constantly reading, books, articles and blogs about autism. I even read the comments on various posts. On one a woman on the autism spectrum said that people need to quit trying to fix people with autism. Her stance was that she is not broken. There is nothing wrong with being autistic.

I hear her. I am glad that she has found her happy place. I love her confidence. I am not trying to fix my son. I am trying to get him to a place where he shares her mindset. I have no idea if she had to work to get there, or if that just happens to be the place she landed. Autism is a broad spectrum. Others on the spectrum might appreciate some help getting to their place of fulfillment.

Sometimes when I read such comments, I feel a twinge of guilt. I choose to continue my quest, because no one knows Travis as well as I do. I know that he wants more from his life. And I made a promise.

I am currently reading, “Reasonable People, A Memoir of Autism and Adoption”, by Ralph James Savarese. This book gives me all the feels. I think you know why it piqued my interest. I highly recommend taking the time to read this story.

Savarese and his wife adopted a boy with autism out of the foster care system. Some of what he writes touches me as a parent of a child with special needs. Some of what he writes touches me as an adoptive parent. Some of what he writes touches me as a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) volunteer. I see first hand how tough the foster care system is to navigate for everyone involved. Especially the children.

But the most important thing I have been coming away with while reading this book is hope. I wrote the following sentence down and have read it several times. Savarese said, “But why should the prior demonstration of ability constitute the prerequisite for effort and training”. Read it again.

It’s an interesting story of how Savarese and his wife Emily came to know the child that eventually became their son. He was non-verbal and described as being emotionally and behaviorally ‘feral’. He suffered years of abuse and was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder.

They were able to reach their boy and eventually communicate with him through typing. I have not finished the book yet, but understand that the child is now a young man, and he wrote the last chapter of the book. His parents undying dedication and never-ending love, and their effort and training have helped their son become the best version of himself. It wasn’t always pretty. An important takeaway is that they didn’t give up. If something they tried didn’t work, they tried something new.

Been there, doing that! There is no doubt a lot of bumps in the road while raising a child with special needs.

Every point in Travis’s story up until this very moment is a prior demonstration of ability. Right? Who’s to say what his future holds. With continuing dedication and love, effort and training?

As I am thinking about this idea, I am reminded of the various therapists that Travis has had over the years. One therapist told us that Travis today is likely already the best version of himself. We should give that great consideration as we plan for his future.

One therapist told us that he had worked with many individuals similar to Travis, and he observed that oftentimes once these individuals got to be in their thirties, they found themselves and their purpose. They began to protect themselves and their homes.

One therapist told us that even though Travis does not seem to understand cause and effect and the concept of consequences, that we needed to give him natural consequences. This conversation involved kicking him out of the home we provide for him because he continues to damage it when angry. Knowing that there is not a landlord on the planet that will allow for some of his behaviors means that if we kick him out, he will become homeless. That seems a bit over the top to me as far as teaching natural consequences.

I guess my point is does anyone really know all the answers? His potential is still developing. My advocacy is about the possibilities.

There is one answer that I do know for sure, one decision I have never second guessed. Our decision to adopt Travis. Raising Travis has been full of challenges, but also very rewarding. He has enriched our lives. And I know without a doubt that it was the best decision for him.

Sometimes I fantasize when I fall into bed exhausted. That I will fall asleep and have a dream of what Travis’s life looks like, if not for us. Because then I could really see the difference we have made and know for certain it was the best choice. For now I have to trust that there was a divine plan and Travis is where he is meant to be.

Another thing I know without a doubt? I will not stop unturning stones as long as there is hope. And there is always hope.

“Hope is that thing inside us that insists, despite all evidence to the contrary, that something better awaits us if we have the courage to reach for it, and work for it and fight for it. - Barack Obama