I’m the Lucky One
I’m having one of those days. Or maybe weeks. Or even one of those months. Or years. We probably have all shared or laughed at a meme about the year 2020.
I always end my blogs with a quote or two that have touched me in some way. Today I want to start with a quote. I posted this quote on my Facebook page in July. It spoke to me, I’m sure because of things that were happening in my life at the time.
“Sometimes it’s better to just let things be, let people go, don’t fight for closure, don’t ask for explanations, don’t chase answers and don’t expect people to understand where you’re coming from…Work on yourself and your inner peace and you’ll come to realize that not reacting to every little thing that bothers you is the first ingredient to living a happy and healthy life. - Rania Naim
In my defense, when I shared this post, I also commented that, “I am a work in progress”.
I am a firm believer in the idea that what happens in our lives shapes us. In case you haven’t noticed, I have a huge heart for helping others. I cannot pinpoint a single event in my life that made me the way I am. It’s more about the totality of a life lived. My parents divorced when I was young. That happens to a lot of kids. My parents did not have a kind and loving relationship. At least not in the years that I can remember. I describe my family upbringing as dsyfunctional. This way people can get a feel for my background without having to hear all the details.
For whatever reason, my parents were not close to their siblings. I really don’t know how many cousins I have. I know three of my cousins, two of them because they were close to me in age and went to my high school. Outside of that, let me give a shoutout to those of you that have reached out to me on Facebook. It’s been fun following your stories and learning about you.
Even though it hurts too. I mean, I always thought the whole family was dysfunctional. Turns out, that is not the case.
Lucky for me, I met a friend when I was thirteen. I spent a great deal of time at her house over my teenage years. Her parents never complained. I think this friend and her family played a critical part in building my foundation.
I participated in programs at school. I never shared any details about my personal life with school personnel. But somehow I always ended up on the list. Looking back, I realize some teacher or counselor must have referred me.
Programs like Junior Achievement. Here are a few excerpts from their website, www.jausa.ja.org:
Purpose is to inspire and prepare young people to succeed in a global economy.
Belief in the boundless potential of young people.
Respect for the talents, creativity, perspectives and backgrounds of all individuals.
Dedicated to giving young people the knowledge and skills they need to own their economic success, plan for their futures, and make smart academic and economic choices.
Teach the core content areas of work readiness, entrepreneurship and financial literacy.
Ignite the spark in young people to experience and realize the opportunities and realities of work and life.
Have I mentioned in past blogs that I spent the bulk of my career owning my own successful businesses?
And programs like Outward Bound. I never did one of the Classic Outward Bound Expeditions out in the wilderness for a week. Have you seen the prices? More along the lines of ropes courses and teamwork building. I don’t remember the details, but I remember participating in locally taught one day outdoor experiences. I think that Outward Bound has a program where they train teachers to bring the experiences to their students in more local settings so that they could reach more students.
Per their website at www.outwardbound.org, “Our founder’s goal 75 years ago was to integrate intensive experience and skill-building into the fabric of education. His approach to teaching and learning was centered on the belief that education should place equal emphasis on the development of character and the intellect. To prepare students of all ages and circumstances with the strength of character and determination they need to thrive”.
The founder, Kurt Hahn, states, “I regard it as the foremost task of education to ensure the survival of these qualities; an enterprising curiosity, an undefeatable spirit, tenacity in pursuit, readiness for sensible self-denial, and above all, compassion”.
Richard Stopol, President and CEO of New York City Outward Bound Schools states, “We seek nothing less than to help every individual we serve, discover and tap into their best selves as students, as workers, and as family and community members”.
Is it possible that these programs are where I learned about serving my community? I’ve always agreed that it takes “a village to raise a child”. I served on our local school board for eight years. I have also served on a town chamber board, parks and recreation board and library board. I served as president of our local Rotary Club. I also served as co-site coordinator of our local 9Health Fair.
I didn’t learn about volunteering in my community from my family. It is the person I became out of other experiences I’ve lived. I’ve always felt a sense of wanting to pay it forward.
And it is why I am struggling right now. My world feels off kilter.
Raising Travis has taught me so much about compassion. And advocacy. And being a mama bear. Trying to protect him from the hurt thrust upon him in our world today. Part of the reason I write this blog is to share our hurts and frustrations, with the hope that I am reaching and teaching others. To think twice before they say what they are thinking out loud. To think twice before they act. To think twice before they post.
At the same time, I try really hard not to be reactive. Most times I am pretty good at it. Sometimes I think, if I say nothing, is that the same as saying I am ok with what someone just said, how someone just acted, what someone just posted?
If it is a post that I consider unfair, I have the opportunity to sleep on it. Most times I am able to move on. A couple of days ago I reacted. I did say that I am a work in progress. Right?
A post came across my feed. So obviously shared by someone I consider a friend. It was a picture of someone unknown to me stating their opinion. Looks like it’s part of a newspaper opinion piece. The following is what it said, “What is privilege?… Privilege is wearing $200 sneakers when you’ve never had a job. Privilege is wearing $300 Beats headphones while living on public assistance. Privilege is having a smartphone with a data plan which you receive no bill for. Privilege is living in public subsidized housing where you don’t have a water bill, where rising property taxes and rents and energy costs have absolutely no effect on the amount of food you can put on your table. Privilege is the ability to march against, and protest against anything that triggers you, without worrying about calling out of work and the consequences that accompany such behavior”.
I am not sure if that is where the post defining privilege ends, it is all that I can see.
I wonder, how did our world get here?
I was a free lunch student for years in school. Back in the day when you actually had to pick up your tickets for the week on Monday morning before school. So when you paid for lunch the other students knew you were on the free lunch program.
I participated in programs put on by non-profit companies. I ate many meals at a friend’s house.
All of these programs are in place to give me any many others a hand up. Because of those experiences I became a successful taxpaying citizen. Not everyone has access to the programs I participated in.
When I became a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) volunteer, as part of our training we learned about the cycle of poverty. It was eye-opening. I wish that every person had to take a course in the cycle of poverty. I would argue that most people do not choose to be poor. It’s a place that their life experiences have taken them. It is also my opinion that our government subsidy programs play a part in keeping poor people poor.
And it’s not the reason one might think. It’s not because they become accustomed to receiving a hand out.
The program that I can speak to through experience is Supplemental Security Income (SSI). Other government programs have similar issues.
The moment an individual has more than $2,000 in the bank or assets besides a car, they lose their SSI. SSI is $783 per month. SSI is Supplemental Security Income for individuals with disabilities. It is hard to obtain, as it should be. Travis has an intellectual/developmental disability that is not going to go away. Yet, we still have medical reviews every three years or so where his doctors, therapists, psychiatrists, case workers and providers have to submit reports and forms to Social Security.
What if a relative left or gifted a person collecting SSI $3,000? They would lose the SSI until the money was spent down below $2,000. If the person buys an item worth $1,000, now their assets may be above the threshold. It’s almost like you have to waste it. I guess you could purchase $1,000 in food if you have a place to store it.
The person receiving the $3,000 gift is no less disabled than they were the day before. Why would they lose their SSI?
I’ve heard people say that individuals are screwing the system. How is that possible? Are all these doctors conspiring together to help someone undeserving obtain $783 a month?
Because Travis is disabled and gets SSI, he automatically qualifies for Medicaid. It’s not the best insurance, but it serves his needs. How else should he obtain insurance if he is unable to work?
Are you wondering how someone lives on $783 per month? If we give Travis money to help him it is considered income. And needs to be reported. Which brings his benefits down. So in our case we bought a mobile home. We own it. He lives in it. While he was on a HUD voucher waiting list, we charged him the maximum allowed rent, approximately 25% of his SSI. I think at the time it was around $220. The lot rent for his mobile home is $660. That does not include utilities. What if someone had a mobile home payment?
If you are living in the cycle of poverty, you typically don’t have a parent that can buy a mobile home and only charge you $220 in rent. The waiting list for a voucher is long. It takes years of waiting. Finding a landlord that will accept it is hard. An individual has to have a disability to get an accommodation to rent from a parent. You cannot own a home and be part of the HUD voucher program.
Travis needs to be part of these programs. He needs the Medicaid health insurance. Tracy and I will not live forever. We need to know that his needs are being met. Without these types of programs, Travis would be living on the street. Not because we wouldn’t take him in. Because he is unable to live within someone else’s set of rules. His diagnoses contribute to him living a chaotic life. A life where he sleeps during the day and is up very late at night. A life where he surrounds himself with friends with the same habits.
Travis’s diagnoses are in no way his fault. He did not choose it.
To the lady defining what privilege is in her opinion, my son had a nice expensive pair of headphones once. They were a gift from his biological aunt. They belonged to her husband that had passed away. She didn’t use them. Travis wears headphones a lot. To drown out the noise of the world. Noise that you or I don’t hear. His aunt knew he could use them. He loved them. Unfortunately, he is easily exploited. Someone he thought was a friend stole them. We don’t know which someone.
If my son had $200 sneakers, they would have been a gift from us. Lady, I am an incredible shopper. Maybe the shoes were a gift, from a great shopper. Maybe they were 75% off. I have donated expensive shoes to Goodwill in like new condition. Maybe those sneakers were a great find at a thrift shop.
I understand that the government does have a phone program. Lady, it’s probably helpful to have a phone number when looking for a job. How else would a company reach an individual? Maybe a poor person needs to make a doctor appointment. Maybe their child’s school needs a way to reach them. The data plan may be their only access to wi-fi. Which is the only way to get your child’s homework, or messages from their teachers.
Lady (sorry, the post didn’t show her name), I don’t think you know every person receiving benefits or their individual stories.
The woman that wrote the opinion piece in the article clearly had different life experiences than I did. That brought her to a different understanding on caring for the most vulnerable in our population. I only share posts on Facebook that speak to me. So I am guessing this woman’s opinion piece spoke to my friend.
Even though I slept on it, I woke up feeling compelled to comment. “My son has an intellectual/developmental disability. If he has nice sneakers or headphones it’s because they were a gift from me or another family member. He does live in subsidized housing. I am trying extremely hard to help him to become employable. But he will never be able to fully take care of himself. I find this post to be offensive. It’s possible that some people are taking advantage of the system. I believe it is way less than you think. These blanket posts are hurtful to many. If you were to ask my son, he would in a heartbeat give us his disability and resulting what you call “privilege” for the privilege of working and taking care of himself. Very disappointed.”
I did get a response. I don’t want to share the entire response because it was on her page for only her friends to see. She did say she would love to chat over coffee about it, but not in this public place.
I consider myself lucky. I remember being a scrappy teenager who found a job that paid cash under the table so that I had some money to buy clothes. Once I turned sixteen my first job was at a Bonanza restaurant. A place where I got a free meal for each shift I worked. I had to quit college two years in for a year because I was unable to register for the next semester because I hadn’t paid off the last one. But I went back and finished.
Did I make some dumb decisions? Yes. The kind you make when you’re living on your own at age seventeen.
But I wouldn’t change anything. Because it made me the woman I am today.
Raising a son with autism is hard. Again, I wouldn’t change anything. Because being his person has made me the woman I am today.
I would much rather be the woman I am today than the woman that wrote the newspaper article. I’m the lucky one. Living my life has taught me what a “privilege” it is to help and make a difference in the lives of our most vulnerable citizens. Living my life has filled my heart with love, not spite. I hope that the woman that wrote the article finds her way to a softer heart.
I think I’m preaching to the choir with my blog. But just in case, let me say it again. What this world needs is less judgment and more kindness.
And to my Facebook friend, yes, let’s get together and have that cup of coffee.
“There’s no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.” - Scott Adams
“We rise by lifting others.” - Robert Ingersoll
“Kindness is the best nourishment for humanity.” - Author Unknown
“When you are kind to others, it not only changes you, it changes the world.” - Harold Kushner