Meet Him Where He Is

On Memorial Day we honor those that made the ultimate sacrifice for our country. I would also like to remember all of the family members that have lost loved ones in the line of duty.

Tracy and I took advantage of the three-day weekend and went to our cabin in Wyoming. We were able to drive in. There have been years where we were unable to drive in this early in the year because there was still too much snow. I wish I could say that we relaxed. We spent Saturday and most of Sunday lumberjacking. Until the sleet and snow forced us indoors.

We cut down 35 beetle-kill lodgepole pine trees. Just the two of us. Let’s just say it was a two Aleve kind of night. On both Saturday and Sunday. I have lost count of how many hundreds of trees we have cleaned off our property since we bought it twelve years ago. We still have a way to go.

Travis was seriously thinking about coming with us. Until I told him we planned to lumberjack if the weather permitted. He decided not to come. Who could blame him?

Today Travis called and said he was hanging out with an old friend. Turns out the friend is a couch surfing homeless guy who brought two other homeless guys into Travis’s life and home. When I reminded Travis of how badly that situation turned out, he told me that the guy apologized. Deep sigh.

Last week I mentioned that I needed to get the Vitals app added to Travis’s phone. I was able to get that done. I thought the app was going to cost $2.99/month, but if you want the version that provides the user a beacon that notifies a first responder of the vitals profile within an 80-foot radius, it costs $5.99/month. There is also a third version that provides alerts to a caregiver when the person they are caring for leaves designated locations. This version would be ideal if you’re a caregiver for a person that wanders or has dementia. This version is $11.99/month.

I also mentioned in my blog last week that I left a message at the Larimer County Sheriff’s Office (LCSO) to have a co-responder give me a call. I did get a call back and spent the better part of two hours on the phone with a SummitStone clinician that works in tandem with deputies to de-escalate situations and calm people down.

Mostly we talked about Travis and my concerns related to his mental health. She asked me to give her examples of what types of things set him off, and for advice on how to de-escalate him if necessary. She asked me about his interests so she could add that information into the system. She explained that if they ever had to answer a call regarding Travis, they could talk him down using his specific interests.

Clearly it wasn’t a busy call day while we were talking. They only have one co-responder staffed at a time and they only staff until midnight. Travis is a night owl, so only staffing until midnight is not ideal, but I am happy this program is in place. It was obvious to me that the clinician wanted to learn everything she could about our experiences as a family dealing with a loved one with mental illness. She was well-informed about the services available in our community and wanted my feedback regarding what is working and what needs improvement.

She shared with me that she had talked to other similar families in our community with many of the same concerns. She encouraged me to share my concerns at the legislative level. I felt heard. I felt validated. I felt respected.

I jokingly told her as we were ending our call that I hoped to never have to talk to her again. She laughed and said, “likewise”.

I’ve written a lot about how Travis loves music and making videos. I finally broke down a couple of years ago and got us unlimited data phone plans and was excited to learn that it included Apple music. Travis continued to ask me for money to buy songs from iTunes. I told him to download the music he wanted from Apple music. Turns out you cannot alter the free music. He is constantly changing the music, then using it in his videos.

I have tried to teach him about copyright infringement. He simply doesn’t understand. He gets angry each time one of his videos gets removed from YouTube or some other sight because the music doesn’t belong to him.

Recently he texted me a link to a business in town that teaches music production and gives DJ lessons. I was impressed that Travis found the information on the business on his own. I clicked on the link and ultimately called the number. One of the services the owner of the business offers is one-on-one music mastering and DJ lessons in your home.

I spoke to him briefly about Travis and his love for music and making videos. I mentioned that Travis is autistic. We arranged for him to meet Travis in his home once a week for an hour. He asked me for more information about the apps that Travis was using to make his videos. Honestly, I don’t have a clue. He asked me what Travis was wanting out of the lessons. I told him to visit with Travis during his first lesson about what he knows, what he wants to learn, and what apps he currently uses. The owner said he would bring his DJ turntable controller for the lessons.

I asked him to meet Travis where he is. The owner said he could do that.

Travis was excited to learn that I had set up the sessions. Travis even said, “I’m having a good week.”

Of course, Travis had to FaceTime me during his lesson and have the teacher tell me more about the make and model of the controller. Travis mentioned that it was important for him to have his own so that he can practice in between his lessons. What a sales pitch! I told Travis that I was open to that idea, but that he had to show me that he could stay interested and engaged in the lessons for a few weeks first.

The next day my phone was ringing, and I could see that it was the businessowner. I had already programmed him into my phone. My heart sank. I was prepared to hear that working with Travis was going to be harder than he thought. The owner proceeded to tell me that he didn’t know much about autism. He read up a bit on the internet and he had even listened to a podcast. He said that Travis was so different than autistic people he had seen portrayed on television.

I think I will write a blog about that at some point!

As he is talking, I am holding my breath. Then the owner said, tell me more about Travis so that I can better meet his needs. I exhaled. He said that it was clear to him that he wouldn’t be able to use his regular lesson plan.

I asked him to throw away his lesson plan. And not to develop a new one. I told him that it wasn’t our expectation that Travis would be an employed DJ at the end of this. I asked him to just plan to meet with him once a week with some ideas of new things that he can teach Travis and be open to follow Travis and what he was interested in showing the owner and learning that day.

I asked him not to be frustrated if he didn’t think that he taught Travis all that he had hoped that day. I asked him not to be frustrated if they ended up not covering anything he had planned for the day. I again asked the owner to meet Travis where he is. Not just where he is as a whole, but where he is on any given day.

The owner said that he also called me because he wanted me to know that he had not put Travis up to calling me to buy a DJ controller. I laughed and said that I already knew that! The owner said all of a sudden Travis was calling and then he handed the phone over. Yep, that’s my boy!

Later I was telling someone this story. How my heart sank when I saw the guy calling me after just one lesson. That I was sure he was already quitting. She responded, oh no, you are traumatized.

Traumatized is a strong word, but I get what she was saying. If I feel that way, how must Travis be feeling?

I shared with the businessowner that the range and severity of symptoms can vary widely on the autism spectrum. Travis is autistic and has a learning disability. Some autistic individuals are highly intelligent. The guy said he looked forward to learning more. He spoke kindly and positively about Travis’s interest in music and video skills.

The businessowner’s interest in learning more, and positive feedback on Travis’s first lesson was unexpected. I was smiling when we hung up. I certainly couldn’t ask for more.

“I thought I would teach my child about the world. Turns out I’m teaching the world about him.” - Author Unknown

“Unexpected kindness is the most powerful, least costly, and most underrated agent of human change.” - Bob Kerrey

“The fact that you worry about being a good teacher, means that you already are one.” - Jodi Picoult