Letting Go

I’ve been writing a lot about being mindful and living in the present. Not reliving the past and not worrying about the future. I was recently joking with a friend, but what if living in the present is also stressful?

I have been doing a lot of work on accepting what is. I have done everything I know to do to help Travis to feel better. I am learning to accept that I have done my best. I am working on not worrying about what the future may hold.

If I’m being honest, the day to day is really hard. Some days are harder than others.

Travis wants to go swimming, but he doesn’t have anyone that wants to go with him, can I come to town to go swimming?

Travis ordered Panda Express and they messed up his order. He didn’t know until he was already home. Can I call them? I told him that if he wanted them to fix it he was going to need to bring it back. He said he would eat it, but can I take him back tomorrow to tell them they messed it up. I said but if you’re going to eat it, what’s the point in going back? He wants them to replace it.

Travis is shopping and FaceTimed me three times from the store asking for money for three different things. If I said no to the ten dollar item, what makes you think three minutes later I will say yes to the twenty dollar item? And then three minutes later, the thirty dollar item? This really happened today.

Honestly, he is in a good place today. He has been much better this past week.

Travis’s case manager is on maternity leave. She is unaware of how these past several weeks have been going. I didn’t want to bother the guy that is covering for her, he has an entire caseload of his own. Ultimately, I sent him and the supervisor an email to let them know how things have been going. Not so good. The initial plan was to wait until his case manager got back from leave to see where Travis was on the list to get the state DD waiver. Which allows for more support.

Right now, Travis has a live-in aide that gets free rent and utilities that is offered by us. When he gets the DD waiver the state will pay a monthly amount to a provider to live in his home. Because it is a paid position, the provider wouldn’t necessarily have to work another job. In this instance a provider would be more available to offer support.

We had agreed that if his name hadn’t reached the top we would start the emergency placement waiver application process. Which is apparently painful. But then these last few weeks happened. And his case manager still has two more months of maternity leave.

We have come to the realization that Travis is going to need this level of support.

The temporary case manager called me today. He wanted more facts to determine if Travis’s situation called for an emergency waiver placement. Is Travis homeless? No, but any other landlord would have kicked him out ages ago. Do I really have to kick him out of his home for him to get the emergency waiver?

Is he a danger to others? No, but he lets strangers in his home, so that is dangerous for him. They are a danger to him.

It is a tough situation because hundreds of people are waiting for this same waiver. And have been waiting for between 10-15 years. We were told that Travis is so close to the top of the list a year ago that doing an emergency placement would actually take longer. But here we are a year later and he is struggling more than ever.

The pandemic has muddied the waters. Agencies are short staffed and hadn’t been bringing on new host home providers. My guess is that the pandemic created more emergency applications. The system may not be moving names from the list in the usual timeframe. Which is already slow enough.

Travis has a safety net. His family. The therapist at the psychiatric hospital shared with me that the other patients in the hospital didn’t have family involved in their lives. I think her point was that Travis shouldn’t be sleeping in a well sought after bed.

Today I heard that Travis’s name may not have made it to the top of the list yet because others are bumping ahead based on their needs.

Because Travis has us. An emergency placement oftentimes occurs when a parent has been the main caregiver for years, but then the parent passes away. And the individual is facing homelessness or a situation without a caregiver.

State funds are limited for caring for individuals with intellectual/developmental disabilities. State funds are limited for caring for individuals with mental illness.

In Colorado, effective January 1st of this year, our governor supported a plan to make the minimum wage for direct care workers $15/hr. Direct care workers funded with any state dollars working in-home and community-based settings now receive this new wage. The Joint Budget Committee voted in favor of the plan on September 21, 2021 in a vote of 5-1.

According to a release from the Governor’s office, the wage increase targeted workers who currently receive the lowest rate of pay, yet provide the vast majority of hands-on care to older adults and individuals with disabilities within our state. The Medicaid rate increase needed to achieve the new wage will initially be funded through American Rescue Plan Act funds dedicated to Home and Community-Based Services.

I read an article written by Mayo Davison and posted to www.koaa.com on the increase. The article quotes Bonnie Silva of Colorado Department of Health Care Policy and Financing. Silva says this about caregiving, “It is low wages, can be difficult work in terms of physical and emotional, trying to meet people wherever they are at.”

Silva says. “We were able to craft a plan, it is a $530 million plan to invest in our system and support these workers. Out of this $530 million plan, we are directing $280 million toward the workforce, and out of that $280 million, we are directing $260 million to wages and rate increases. The department is directing $20 million toward finding a long-term solution to sustain the efforts.”

Finding a way to sustain the efforts will be extremely important. If that doesn’t happen the waitlist will get even longer.

Per Davison, “While the American Resue Plan Act funds will expire after 2024, the department says they are committed to identifying funds to ensure the long-term sustainability of this effort. They will pursue all avenues to continue to support these compensation increases for workers, while also minimizing the fiscal impact to the State’s general fund.

One of the books I am currently reading is, “When Things Fall Apart, Heart Advice for Difficult Times”, by Pema Chodron. In the introduction Pema says, “If your life is chaotic and stressful, there’s plenty of advice here for you.”

That sounds like my life! She also says that living in the present moment can be a pretty vulnerable place, and that this can be completely unnerving and completely tender at the same time. Yes!

Pema says that when she first received meditation instruction, the woman told her that meditation isn’t a vacation from irritation. Good to know, maybe I am doing it right!

I said many times before that I come upon certain books just as I need to hear their message.

Pema says, “Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and they fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy. Letting there be room for not knowing is the most important thing of all.”

My word of the year is healing. And I am currently leaning into the idea that Travis’s diagnoses are not a problem to overcome, these things don’t get solved.

Pema says, “Life is a good teacher and a good friend. Things are always in transition, if we could only realize it. Nothing ever sums itself up in a way that we like to dream about. The off-center, in-between state is an ideal situation, a situation in which we don’t get caught and we can open our hearts and minds beyond limit. It’s a very tender, nonaggressive, open-ended state of affairs.

To stay with that shakiness is the path of true awakening. Sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic - this is the spiritual path. Getting the knack of catching ourselves, of gently and compassionately catching ourselves, is the path of a warrior.”

This is exactly what I am currently working on. I have come to the realization that caregiving will always be a part of my life, which brings stress. Knowing that and accepting it is my first step in learning to relax in the midst of chaos.

The book has a chapter, “Relax as it is”. Pema says, “Ultimately, it comes down to the question of just how willing we are to lighten up and loosen our grip.”

In another chapter, “It’s Never too Late”, Pema says, “We’re not trying to solve a problem. We are not striving to make pain go away or to become a better person. In fact, we are giving up control altogether and letting concepts and ideals fall apart. The trick is to practice gentleness and letting go.”

I am working on letting go of solving Travis’s diagnoses and meeting Travis where he is at.

My bet is that as I continue to read this book, you will hear more about it.

I have a journal full of quotes. When I come upon a quote or poem that I love, I add it to this journal. Today’s quote in spot on.

“Letting Go” - by Chuck Swindoll

To “let go” does not mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone else.

To “let go” is not to cut myself off, it is the realization that I can’t control another.

To “let go” is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To “let go” is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To “let go” is not to change or blame another, it is to make the most of myself.

To “let go” is not to care for but to care about.

To “let go” is not to be in the middle of arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To “let go” is not to deny but to accept.

To “let go” is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.

To “let go” is not to adjust everything to my own desires, but to take each day as it comes, and to cherish myself in it.

To “let go” is not to criticize or regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To “let go” is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for today.

To “let go” is to fear less and to love more.