It Takes a Village
It has been a bit quieter than usual for me this week. I realized that Travis hasn’t been calling me his usual average of nine times per day.
Then it occurred to me. Travis’s car is broke down in his driveway. Which means he isn’t calling me for gas money. Or money for fast food. When Travis takes his friends on errands it seems to always include stopping for a bite to eat.
Errands always seem to also include a stop at Walmart. Travis isn’t wandering through Walmart, which means he is not calling me for money to buy random non-essential junk. This often includes FaceTiming me to show me the random junk.
Travis had a couple of calls from non mom-approved friends with needs this week that he couldn’t fill. One girl called while I was at Travis’s house. Travis always has his phone on speaker, so I got to hear her tell him to bring her stuff to her. She had left her ID, debit card and various other cards in his car. Cards like her probation officer’s business card. Several weeks ago.
If I had to guess, I’m thinking the reason she may not have called sooner is because she was probably in jail.
I found them in his car and put them in a safe place in his house. In good Glenda form, I googled her. Mama bears are better at doing this kind of research than the FBI. I decided that she was not going to be a good influence in Travis’s life.
So I was glad that I happened to be there when she called. And also glad for his speaker phone habit. Travis said he couldn’t bring her stuff to her because his car wasn’t running. So I commented that it was too bad she didn’t ask nicely because I would have brought her things to her. She immediately changed her tone and we agreed to meet in a public place.
When I met her it was clear to me that she has an addiction problem and that she is homeless. Which is rough, because I feel for her situation, but at the same time I have to protect my boy. He has a huge heart but is simply not equipped to deal with these issues. I told her to not call him, that he is not able to help her with her stuff because he is working on his own stuff.
I worry about him being in the wrong place at the wrong time and getting into some kind of trouble with no idea of what is going on.
Travis called me on another occasion saying that I needed to come to town and help him help a friend. He knows a couple that are homeless and they have called him on various occasions when they need money or a ride. The guy actually had Travis call us and ask if we could put money on Travis’s card so Travis could buy them food.
This couple was in a town about thirty minutes away and had some sort of domestic violence issue where the guy landed in jail and the girl needed a place to go. I love that Travis has a big heart. I told him that it was best if he didn’t get in the middle of this one.
I am a kind person. I would love to find a way to help all of these people that find their way to Travis. The truth is, I don’t have anything left in the tank after taking care of Travis’s needs and my other commitments.
If you have been following along, you already know that I have been doing a lot of research on trauma. Mostly because I want to learn how I can best help Travis to learn to cope in our world. I came across a movie, “The Wisdom of Trauma”, that features Dr. Gabor Mate. He is a retired medical doctor with over thirty years in practice and addiction medicine. Mate says that what he found was the common template for virtually all afflictions and mental illness is in fact trauma.
Here are some of the statistics from the movie:
1 in 5 Americans are diagnosed with mental illness every year.
Suicide is the 2nd most common cause of death in the US for youth aged 15-24.
There are over 48,300 suicides annually in the US, with 800,000 globally.
US richest society in history.
1/2 of US citizens have a chronic disorder such as high blood pressure or diabetes.
Anxiety among young people is growing rapidly.
Asthma and auto immune diseases are on the rise.
Addictions are on the rise.
Mate says that addiction is a result of wanting to escape reality rather than cope with it.
Per Mate, “Trauma is the invisible force that shapes our lives. It shapes the way we live, the way we love, and the way we make sense of the world. It is the root of our deepest wounds.
Trauma affects how are brains develop. It affects certain key brain circuits that have to do with how we react and respond, how we regulate ourselves, how we handle stress, how we interact with other people, how much empathy and insight we have, and how much compassion we have. These functions of the mid-frontal cortex are limited and constricted by trauma.
Trauma is not the bad things that happen to you, but what happens inside you as a result of what has happened to you.
It causes inflammation in the body and suppresses the immune system.
Our schools are filled with kids that have learning disabilities and mental illness that are trauma based.
Trauma fundamentally means a disconnection from self. Why do we get disconnected? Because it’s too painful to be ourselves. It becomes a lifelong dynamic.
As a child we have two fundamental needs. One that is with us as an infant, it’s absolute and non-negotiable, is attachment. The other need is authenticity. Authenticity is the connection to ourselves, it is a survival necessity.
Normal society doesn’t allow anger and the child who is angry must be separated. We need to teach kids that anger doesn’t have to be destructive. If we repress anger in children it will show up as depression, mental illness.
First issue, not why the addiction, but why the pain?
Our society has two myths about addiction. One is the belief that addiction is a choice, therefore the decisions that arise out of addiction is a matter of individual culpability. Addicts for the most part are punished for being addicted.
The second belief is that it’s an inherited disease.
People get addicted. It’s among the normal responses to trauma. When people are suffering they want to escape their suffering. Trauma is multi-generational. So addiction becomes multi-generational.
If you understand that addiction isn’t the primary problem, but really a response to trauma, then it becomes obvious, in order to heal addiction you have to heal the trauma. See the wound. Meet people where they are at and treat them like human beings actually opens up the possibility of transformation for them.
We need to start seeing each other as what happened to us and not as what is wrong with us.
Humanization of homelessness is where we need to start. Working with people, working with nervous systems and working with deflated and traumatized senses of self.”
The above comments were notes that I took from the movie. I purchased the movie for a $20 recommended donation that gave me access to a Talks on Trauma series featuring conversations with 30 guest speakers, trauma experts, MDs and authors. Since I was unable to get through all of the material in a one week timeline, I ended up purchasing an All-Access pass so that I could take more time to digest the material, including a 7 hour trauma course.
So you can expect to hear more about what I learn!
Per the movie, “Dr. Mate gives us a new vision: a trauma-informed society in which parents, teachers, physicians, policy-makers and legal personnel are not concerned with fixing behaviors, making diagnoses, suppressing symptoms and judging, but seek instead to understand the sources from which troubling behaviors and diseases spring in the wounded human soul”.
My goal is to help Travis find a path to happiness. I’m hoping to learn more about ways for him to heal his trauma. Then maybe I can help the people that find their way to him.
Remember the saying, “It takes a village to raise a child”? It is an African proverb that means that an entire community of people must provide for and interact positively with children for those children to experience and grow in a safe and healthy environment. I am a total believer in this concept. It is why I served eight years on our local school board, four years on our local library board and four years on our local park and recreation board.
I mentored several eighth grade students in my local business.
I have been serving children as a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) for over six years. With the idea that helping to heal their trauma means the generational trauma, addiction and homelessness ends with them.
Maybe we need to continue on with this idea, it takes a village. Something like, it takes a village of great hearts to heal great hurts.
Start with baby steps. We can start with changing the way we think about addiction and homelessness. Consider donating time and/or money to a nonprofit that serves this population. Or nonprofits that help keep children from becoming part of this population. I read somewhere that humanity is our ultimate community, and everyone plays a crucial role.
As for the car?
I could get used to less “Can I have some money” calls from Travis. But there is a flip side. If our goal is to help Travis live as independent a life as possible, we are going to need to find him another car. He worked hard to earn his license. Having a car and giving rides gives him purpose. And I am needing to devote a second day to help him because I am driving him to do all the things! In addition to the cooking and cleaning and doctor visits and…
We are in the market for a used car or SUV for Travis. It needs to be an automatic! If you or someone you know is thinking of getting rid of or trading a car in, please let us know. The inventory is low.
We are also looking for a live-in aide. We provide free rent and utilities. A provider agency will pay for about ten hours per week of cooking, cleaning and community supports. This person can be a student or have a part or full-time job. So if you know of a person that may be a good fit, let us know!
And speaking of it taking a village, thank you to one of my tribe members for cooking two large meals and dividing it into individual portions for my boy. It truly helps so much more than you know. And bacon wrapped meatloaf? Yumm! Maybe he will give me a bite!
“Small acts, when multiplied by millions of people, can transform the world.” - Howard Zinn
“You know how they say it takes a village to raise a child? Just wondering if someone can give me directions to this village so I could drop off my kids…” - Author Unknown