If He’s Good, I’m Good

One of my major responsibilities as Travis’s legal guardian is to keep track of his medical appointments. I also attend these appointments with him as he is unable to remember anything the doctor says or suggests. Travis has many medical appointments because he has many health issues.

One of the books on my reading list for this year is, “The Body Keeps the Score”, by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D. Per the back cover of the book, “Dr. Vessel van der Kolk, one of the world’s foremost experts on trauma, has spent over three decades working with survivors. In his book, he uses recent scientific advances to show how trauma literally reshapes both body and brain, compromising sufferers’ capacities for pleasure, engagement, self-control, and trust.

He explores innovative treatments - from neurofeedback and meditation to sports, drama, and yoga - that offer new paths to recovery by activating the brain’s natural neuroplasticity. Based on Dr. van der Kolk’s own research and that of other leading specialists, “The Body Keeps the Score” exposes the tremendous power of our relationships both to hurt and heal - and offers new hope for reclaiming lives.”

I’ve written extensively in my past blogs about the trauma Travis has faced. His body is keeping the score. I am always looking to learn any new tidbit to help him in his journey to finding happiness. The hard part is getting his buy-in as far as trying anything new. His mental illness tells him that he doesn’t have the energy, and why bother? His mental illness tells him it will not help. Nothing helps.

I’m going to read the book anyway. To help him in any way I can. And because I think it will be helpful for me too. It sounds like it could be helpful for most people. This is what else the back cover says, “Trauma is a fact of life. Veterans and their families deal with the painful aftermath of combat; one in five Americans have been molested; one in four grew up with alcoholics; one in three couples have engaged in physical violence.”

Wow. I think I may be quoting from this book often.

The week before last I took Travis for a follow up appointment with the pulmonologist. Travis needs to meet certain usage requirements with his Bipap machine or his Medicaid will not cover the cost of the machine or the monthly supplies. Medicaid gives you 90 days to get with the program. Travis didn’t meet the requirements his first month.

The only reason I know this is because I called the supply company and had them share his compliance numbers with me. It would be nice if someone had contacted me. There is just so much for me to keep track of. Travis was having difficulty with the first mask he tried, but once we got that straightened out his compliance went up to an acceptable level the following month.

The pulmonologist showed Travis on the computer how he was down to just a couple of sleep apnea episodes per hour when he was using the Bipap. Which was better than expected. And obviously much better than when he is not using it.

Last week I took Travis for his annual eye exam. In the past I was less diligent about the annual part, but now that he has been diagnosed with Type II diabetes, his physician insists that he has it annually.

When I decided to make the appointment for Travis, I realized that even though I had been taking him regularly, I had not had my eyes checked for 25 years. Since I had Lasik done. (Don’t tell the Colorado DMV! It’s a question they ask when you renew your license online.)'

If I am driving him there anyway, why am I not getting my eyes tested? Speaking of driving, we still go to the same eye doctor from the last town we lived in. We moved out of that town over seven years ago. I wonder how many eye doctors we drive by to get there? The truth is that it is hard to replace a member of Team Travis.

Change is hard for Travis. This eye doctor already knows his story. Travis needed new glasses and was wandering around looking at frames. The employee told Travis that he was looking at the women’s frames, and pointed towards the men’s section. Too late. He had already found some bright pink aviator frames in the women’s section. He tried them on and looked at me. I could see my reflection. Travis needs transition lens as the brightness of the sun is a serious sensory issue for him.

This could be part of the reason he is a night owl!

He wanted them. He said they fit on his face and nose just right. Travis has shared with me countless times how his current glasses bother him because they don’t feel right. Especially after he fell on his motorcycle while wearing them. We had to bend them back into place.

I asked him if he was sure. He said yes. Alrighty then. The employee looked at me. I’m pretty sure she was thinking, “What an awesome mom”. The truth is, I am done having “the conversation”. The one about the world we live in. That he may get teased. I have spent a ton of time trying to protect him from comments from this harsh world. The truth is if he likes them and they feel comfortable, I’m good. If he’s good, I’m good.

Travis is getting to the point where he no longer cares what people think. I have coached him up on letting stuff slide off his back for years. If he is finally getting there, then there is no reason to try to protect him. I think that sometimes when we try to protect our kiddos, we may be actually holding them back. I think he will rock the pink glasses!

Truth be told, if I steered him in a different direction while selecting glasses, I would never had heard the end of it. Why the ones he ended up with were not as good as the ones he wanted. I’m learning too!

We make that same drive for his regular physician appointments. Again because he gets Travis.

We did have to find a new dentist years ago. The dentist we were seeing didn’t accept Medicaid. I wasn’t going to take Travis to one dentist and see a different one myself. The trick was to find one that not only took Medicaid, but also our dental insurance.

For years Medicaid didn’t cover dental care. The Medicaid expansion in Colorado under the Affordable Care Act started allowing for dental care. I’ve been careful to take Travis twice a year for a couple of reasons. One, he doesn’t brush his teeth regularly. I also want to make sure his teeth are in the best possible shape in case dental care gets dropped from Medicaid coverage in the future.

The dentist office that we go to is large enough that they have multiple hygienists on staff. They have a system where they will take me and Travis at the same time. Side by side. So I can hear everything the hygienist and dentist say to him. Getting our teeth cleaned at the same time works best for everyone. Travis doesn’t have to wait in the waiting room. Talking to strangers. Showing them his latest video. Or not knowing he is singing too loud because his headphones are on.

Going to the dentist is not enjoyable for any person. It is excruciating for many individuals on the autism spectrum. Think about it. The bright light shining from above. The sound and smell of the drill. The feel of biting on the X-Ray thingie in your mouth.

The dentist is super patient with Travis. He listens as Travis talks about Fortnite. And how the dentist should buy a gaming system for his kids. While I’m in the next chair saying, “Don’t do it!”

I know for a fact that I am doing a good job of getting my teeth cleaned every six months because I take Travis. Otherwise, well you know how that goes, before you know a year or more goes by.

Later this month Travis has an appointment with his psychiatrist. Over Zoom again. He is talking to his therapist every other week on the phone.

I am doing a good job of getting him care for the “body keeping score” needs. What more can I do to help with healing? I wonder if I can talk him into setting up the bedroom his live-in aide vacated into a space to do some yoga or meditation? I know he won’t do it alone. But what if I did it with him? I hope the book will help me to help him. Because if he’s good, I’m good.

“Live so that when your children think of love, fairness, integrity, and tenderness, they think of you.” - Author Unknown