Desperate or Determined?

I am getting a late start today. I have been distracted by so many things. All Travis related.

So, where to start? Last week I hinted that it was quite a day or two. Or more. But too soon to write about because I was still processing.

I looked at Craigslist ads under the section rooms wanted. This is the section people will post in when they are looking for a place with a room to rent. I understand that this in not an ideal way to find a live-in aide for Travis, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Some may call it desperate. I’m going with determined. You be the judge.

I responded to one young man who posted that I thought could be an ideal candidate. He was moving to Fort Collins to attend CSU to earn a master’s degree in occupational therapy. He actually said that his goal was to work with individuals with disabilities. I thought as a college student he might find the free room and board portion of my offer intriguing. Being a live-in aide for an individual with disabilities would look good on his resume.

So imagine my disappointment when he didn’t respond to my offer. A day or two later I saw that his ad looking for a room was still posted. Not being one to give up, I replied to him again. I gave him several reasons to reconsider. I highlighted that the free rent and utilities would help him to save money. And that the experience would look great on his resume. I also hit upon the opportunity to make some additional money by signing on with a provider agency and getting paid fifteen a hours per week to help with cooking and cleaning. That he would be doing anyway!

Not only did I not get a response, he changed his ad to read something like: looking for fellow students and like minded individuals to room and hang out with. He deleted the whole section about wanting to work with individuals with disabilities.

I kept watching the rooms wanted board. I found another promising ad. This guy was about Travis’s age, had been staying with family out of state during the pandemic, but was ready to move back to Colorado, get his things out of storage and find a place. He planned to get back onboard with Uber while he completed an IT certification.

He said he had a badass computer/gaming setup. And a cat! I thought this could be a good fit for Travis. And maybe he could help us get Travis set up with a good desktop computer gaming system. I don’t know the first thing about getting a system built, and buying a good one already done can cost around $2,500.

I replied to his post with my phone number and he called. We talked for about an hour that night. He said he would like to give it a try. We met and felt comfortable with him. We allowed him to move his things in and proceeded with the paperwork to get his background checked.

After staying two nights he sent me a text saying that he didn’t think living with Travis was going to be a good fit. I called him and he told me that it wasn’t Travis, he just didn’t think he or his cat were going to be able to get used to Sheila and her very demanding high energy levels.

I shared with him that I had been looking into getting training for her. I asked him if he would give it more time if I agreed to pick Sheila up and have her stay with us while she completed her training. He said ok.

I picked Sheila up. Then I got a text at about midnight that Travis had a friend over and that it was too much for him. He was going to move out in the morning. At this point I agree that it isn’t going to be a good fit. One of the things we had discussed was sending people home and locking up the place safely at night. We didn’t want people that only wanted to exploit Travis hanging at his house. Clearly it would take more than two nights to determine the difference between Travis’s tribe (mom-approved) and his so called “friends” (non-approved).

I showed up the next morning and he was gone. Travis woke up later while I was cooking and cleaning and asked where his new roomie was. He left before Travis was awake, so he didn’t say goodbye. Travis was devastated. He thought they had made a connection.

It is so hard as a mother to watch your child experience disappointment after disappointment.

I had already brought Sheila home so decided to follow through with booking some training. I took her to a consultation. After spending some time with her the company recommended a five day full immersion training at their facility, starting on November 15th. After some pretty severe initial sticker shock I completed the paperwork. She is not a candidate for group training because of her high energy and poor impulse control. Once they do the full immersion week-long training, she gets as many group classes as I or Travis want to attend with her for two years. For a total package cost of just under $2,000.

I keep reminding myself that adoption is forever!

I guess I am going to leave no stone unturned for her too! As I handed over my credit card I was reminded of how many times I pulled that card out to pay for another evaluation or another therapy for Travis. These two are more alike than I thought. Can a dog have autism? Lol!

At the same time this was happening we had a Zoom meeting with Travis’s psychiatrist. He had told me to keep my eyes open for a rash when Travis started Haldol. I reported at this meeting that Travis had a pretty severe rash on the back side of both legs. He indicated that we needed to stop the Haldol. Travis was not in a good place during this meeting.

Zoom meetings in his house do not work for him. There are just too many distractions. He cannot stay focused. After working with Travis for ten years I would think that these are things the psychiatrist would know about him. We all ended up frustrated, and the psychiatrist needed to get to his next meeting.

I think the biggest part of his frustration is with me. Because when he talked about another medication he wanted to try I asked him to spell it for me. And I told him that I would need to do some research. He has not appreciated this about me. What he needs to remember is that it is our son and our family that has to deal with the aftermath of side effects and failed attempts of medications that profoundly affect him and his behaviors.

As I was researching this medication I wondered, why are we, and by we I mean all of us on team Travis, continuing to put him through medication after medication when they don’t work? Travis has told us that he is over it. Again and again.

In all of my research on trauma I have been learning more and more about alternative treatments for individuals that don’t respond to medications. Travis’s current psychiatrist doesn’t believe in alternative treatments. This is the psychiatrist that was assigned to him as a client of Foothills Gateway. One that his Medicaid covers. I wanted him to use the psychiatrist and therapist that he was assigned, because those would be the people he worked with when we are gone. He would have a relationship already built and know where to go.

But today it occurred to me that if I was willing to spend $2,000 on training for his dog, maybe I should find a psychiatrist more open to Travis’s needs, whatever the cost and pay for it out of pocket. He needs better care now and we can provide it now. I have to simply stop worrying about what may happen in the future, and see if I can better meet his needs now.

So instead of spending another minute researching another medication, I spent a good part of the day researching a psychiatrist that practices conventional and holistic medicine. Her bio on the website where she practices described her as using conventional medicine when appropriate, but at the same time she has found that most individuals do not need strong and sometimes side-effect laden intervention if a holistic approach is incorporated into one’s treatment plan. She sees herself as a co-explorer and guide to help navigate the terrain of one’s mind and with this philosophy, your autonomy and decision making is the highest priority.

She only had one appointment available over the next few weeks and it was for tomorrow, on Travis Tuesday. I took this as a sign. My guess is that the appointment was available because someone had cancelled. A one hour first visit cost $375 which I had to pay online before the appointment could be booked. I am deep breathing through it. But I am desperate to find him some kind of relief because he desperately needs it.

Everybody cross your fingers. And pray for Travis.

Also in the midst of this crazy week? Instead of just reading through rooms wanted ads on Craigslist, I placed an ad, “Live-in aide/roommate for autistic adult male” outlining what we were looking for instead of hijacking the ads others placed. I have had four responses in the last few days and am currently doing my mama bear (better than the FBI) research on the possible roommates. I will be doing phone interviews over the next day or two if they make it past my mama bear research.

Never a dull moment.

“In life you need either inspiration or desperation.” - Tony Robbins

“When people get desperate, they get very creative.” - Jeff Smoller

“The desperate usually succeed because they have nothing to lose.” - Jodi Picoult