A Little More Grace

Do you remember the old saying, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”?

I’m not sure where I first heard it, but if I had to guess I would say probably from my parents. Sometimes I wonder if parents are still teaching this to their kids.

I think that some people are living by this revised version, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all, unless you’re commenting on social media”.

If you are the perfect parent, raise your hand.

Parenting is hard. It’s not like we get a manual or take a class. Parenting a child with special needs is even harder yet. Trust me.

I have mentioned a couple of times that I belong to a couple of Facebook support groups for parents of children with high functioning autism. These groups are a safe place for parents to vent when they are struggling. And ask for advice.

Because Travis is twenty seven, I am sometimes able to offer some advice. I am further along on the path of parenting a child with autism than many of the parents in the group. I am more likely to offer support than advice. Most of the questions revolve around school issues. I don’t have any good advice around school stuff. We ended up having to file for due process with our school district. Schools have definitely evolved since Travis attended.

Last week one mama posted in need of support. Her sixteen-year-old was being disrespectful to her. Her story went something like this: She and her son used to enjoy playing Pokemon-Go together, but her son has moved on to a new game. She still enjoys playing it. Her son still has the app on his phone.

I don’t know much about the game, but I know that Travis and his tribe enjoy playing it. So I am familiar, but not knowledgeable. So bear with me as I tell the story from memory. I may not fully understand and therefore may mess up the details a bit.

The mom had the opportunity to catch a rare Pokemon. To have the opportunity she needed to have a certain number of players. She could only send out a certain number of invites from her phone. She asked her son to borrow his phone for two minutes to send out another group of invites from his app. As a player himself, he likely understood the importance to her. He refused to give her the phone. Even though he wasn’t currently using it.

While she continued to explain to him how quick it would be she tried to take the phone. He began to act intimidating, he hovered over her and he yelled at her. He held the phone out of reach and deleted the app. The situation obviously escalated.

She mentioned that she provides the phone for him, but didn’t bring that up to him during this situation.

In her post she wrote, “I try so hard to build a relationship with him, but lately he just acts more and more daring towards me and insults me. I don’t understand why he is feeling so angry towards me. Why is he becoming so mean towards me? I am so brokenhearted right now.”

Here are the excerpts from some of the comments in response:

• “It honestly doesn’t sound like you were asking though. It sounds like you went for his phone and just expected to take it and use it for your own purposes, even if only for two minutes. Maybe he felt disrespected. You seem concerned about how his yelling at you felt, but have you had a conversation with him about his feelings?”

• “It is his phone. The physical object is his to decide how it is used. That was disrespectful of you to assume rights to the phone, if even for only two minutes. It has nothing to do with his privacy, and nothing to do with how the phone gets used or who pays for it. That’s all irrelevant. Reverse the roles. If he tried to forcefully take your phone, wouldn’t you be feeling just a wee bit disrespected. No means no.”

• “This is typical teenage stuff. Sorry, this is a get over it thing. Maybe you need to start respecting him as a young adult. And that includes allowing him some autonomy and privacy on his phone.”

• “This episode is probably not the only episode where he feels a lack of control due to her disregarding his autonomy. All those episodes build up.”

• “The outburst is how teenagers react. They are still learning to be adults. That’s why the mother needs to apologize for her disrespect, but also point out that screaming at someone is not okay and not how adults behave.”

• “Sorry, but you were disrespectful to him. It’s his phone, you can’t just take his phone and expect him to be okay with it. Would you do that to another adult? Would you allow your husband to do that to you? I wouldn’t. It sounds like you’re overstepping boundaries. You will have to check it. If you don’t start respecting boundaries, you’re going to be in a whole world of problems.”

Seriously? Apparently all the perfect parents were available to respond that day.

I talked to Tracy about the post and the comments. He said, “You wouldn’t have tried to take the phone”. I looked over at him and he followed with, “You would have manipulated it from him.”

I realized that he was right. I would have said something like this to Travis, “Fine, it’s ok if you don’t let me use your phone for two minutes. But I want you to remember this when you ask me if you can borrow my charger.” My “fill in the blank”. I would have come up with some quick witted reply and he would have handed it over. I wouldn’t have tried to take it from him, it was already pretty clear by the time he was sixteen how easily he could escalate.

Here is an excerpt of my reply, “I have a 27 year old HFA (High Functioning Autism) son. My first thought was that your son had something he didn’t want you to see on his phone, but that could be based on my experience with my son. Each situation and family dynamic is different. As parents we may not always get it right. I don’t know what is right in this particular situation because I can’t possibly know the dynamics of your family. What I want to offer is that I support you, raising our kids is just hard. I am my son’s kicking post. Because he knows that I love him no matter what. It’s difficult, but try to keep that in mind. Sit down and talk to him when he is in a good place. Stay strong mama.”

I was surprised when the person that made one of the above not so nice comments responded to my comment saying, “There is absolutely no justification for her behavior.”

I had to wait a couple of minutes before I responded. So that I could remind myself, if you can’t say anything nice….

But then I commented, “Honestly, I feel like some of the comments were more harsh than they needed to be. I think it’s possible that there is a reason he didn’t want to loan her the phone. At the same time, if I asked my son to borrow his phone for two minutes, no matter the reason, my expectation would be that he say yes. Especially if he was not currently using it. She may or may not have escalated the situation. I can’t say for sure. As parents we don’t always get it right. She did ask for advice. But people could’ve shown more grace in giving it.”

If we were sitting in person in a support group meeting, would these parents have said the same things?

As a parent of a young man that is struggling to find his place in the world, I am keenly aware of the amount of bullying he faces. And now he is just as mean when he retaliates.

A day or two later another mom posted in the group. She was venting because her kids were supposed to spend the night at her in-laws house next door. Her HFA child refused to even though he had several times in the past. She was upset because she and her husband don’t get very much alone time and she was looking forward to it. She wondered what might be going on with her child.

There were several kind comments. Some ideas what it might be based on personal experiences of the individuals commenting. But again there were a couple of perfect parents commenting as well. One said, “If he’s not comfortable, he’s not comfortable. No matter the reason. Make a plan B or watch him yourself. He is allowed to not want to do something without it being a big deal. I am sure there are things you don’t like doing.”

Good grief.

I didn’t have to come to her rescue. Another parent did, “This is a support group. Just because a parent is frustrated and venting here in a private group to other moms who may have similar experiences doesn’t mean she is being cold and heartless to her child. She’s frustrated. She’s allowed to be. She’s human for God’s sake. Telling her if he doesn’t want to go, he doesn’t want to go is not only non-supportive but counter productive. She’s doing what any flummoxed mom worried about her child is doing. She’s seeking advice or possible suggestions on how to tackle this new problem. But by your response it seems that you came here to argue.”

Parents, we need to be careful what we are putting out there. Our kids look to us as examples. They model our behaviors. Bullies are not born, they are made.

None of us are perfect, we are all a work in progress. I have made a ton of parenting mistakes. With both of my kids. I’m betting we all have. Knowing that to be the case, maybe we should all practice showing a little more grace.

If you find yourself wanting to respond negatively to a comment online, think of Dory. And instead of thinking, “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming”, think. just keep scrolling, just keep scrolling.

If you have a positive comment in your mind, take the time to give it. It does make a difference.

“Be the one who nurtures and builds. Be the one who has an understanding and a forgiving heart, one who looks for the best in people. Leave people better than you found them.” - Author Unknown

“Teach me to feel another’s woe, to hide the fault I see, that mercy I to others show, that mercy show to me.” - Alexander Pope