Walking on Eggshells
I find myself using the saying, “Walking on Eggshells”, often. The first time I remember using it was when I first met Travis’s birthmother. She was a bit rough around the edges and I was intimidated by her. I had never met anyone quite like her. We picked her up at the airport. She was coming from out of state. The plan was that she would stay with us until Travis was born.
I was immediately taken aback by her constant use of profanities. I had to take her aside and tell her that she would not be able to talk like that in my home, or in front of Corey. Corey was almost seven at the time. I had to put some other rules in place. There would be no smoking in the car or our home. I remember telling Tracy that I was not going to walk on eggshells around her. I didn’t want to be someone that I wasn’t, because what if she would have liked the real me better? We of course wanted to make a good impression because we wanted her to choose us to adopt Travis.
We really started to experience extreme behavioral issues with Travis when he started school. I did not ‘walk on eggshells’ around him at home. If he had a meltdown at home I could handle it. At least in the beginning. When he was smaller. I didn’t want the meltdowns to happen at all, but if they were going to happen, I definitely preferred for them to happen at home. I could tell when Travis was getting close to the edge of having a meltdown. There were times when I would purposefully push his last button so that he would explode.
Because once the explosion was over he was in a good place. The kind of place I needed him to be if we needed to go grocery shopping or run errands. Or T-ball practice, or a cub scout meeting. You get the picture.
I have written before that some people may think that I cater too much to Travis. Travis does not do well with out of routine functions. He does not do well with a large amount of people. Too much noise or too much lighting. So if I was bringing him a plate of food or treating him with kid gloves, it’s because I did not want him to have a meltdown at someone’s special event. During such times I do find myself “walking on eggshells’.
Travis has many diagnoses. The resulting behaviors are very difficult to manage. Not only for him, but everyone around him.
Travis was referred for a psychological evaluation by the Division of Vocational Rehabilitation (DVR) in 2016. This was about a year and a half after DVR began working with him. The referral was made because Travis was having great difficulty behaving appropriately in work settings.
The evaluation states that Travis was referred “for an Adaptive and Personality assessment, to update his current mental status, and to assist with recommendations for emotional restoration and alternative employment solutions, for the purpose of helping Travis become successfully employed”.
Most of the evaluation details were things I had been told before. This was not his first evaluation. But one paragraph caught my attention because even though I had seen the behaviors described, I had not heard of this possible diagnosis before.
The psychologist states, “Travis reports that he is emotionally labile, with fairly rapid and extreme mood swings, and at times he can experience poorly controlled anger. He can be quite impulsive and more prone to behaviors that put him at greater risk for self-harm or suicidal behavior. These behaviors would normally be associated with the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder, however, Travis is diagnosed with an intellectual disability and personality disorders are not utilized with this population”.
I asked the psychologist why this diagnosis wasn’t utilized if individuals had an intellectual disability. To be honest, I didn’t fully understand her explanation. Something about people going through a process becoming who they are, a process that someone with a brain impairment is unable to complete. Like they get stuck in the personality development process.
I have always said that I don’t care what the diagnosis is, I don’t care about the label. What I do care about is how I can help Travis to live his best life. So where did I go? The bookstore. To find a book about borderline personality disorder, BPD. I didn’t know anything about it.
The book that jumped out at me was written by Paul T. Mason, MS and Randi Kreger and is called, “Stop Walking on Eggshells” and is about taking your life back when someone you care about has borderline personality disorder. How could I not be interested in a book with this title?
Chapter One asks the question, “Is this book for you”? Here are the questions that I answered yes to:
Is someone you care about causing you a great deal of pain?
Do you find yourself concealing what you think or feel because you’re afraid of the other person’s reaction?
Are you blamed or criticized for everything wrong - even when it makes no logical sense?
Are you the focus of intense, violent or irrational rages, alternating with perfectly normal and loving behavior?
Do you feel like the person you care about sees you as either all good or all bad, with nothing in between?
Are you accused of doing things you never did and saying things you never said?
Needless to say, I bought the book.
Mason and Kreger share that people with BPD feel things more intensely, act in ways that seem more extreme and have difficulty regulating their emotions and behavior. Sounds familiar.
Mason and Kreger highlight the DSM-IV diagnostic criteria for BPD. The DSM is the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. I went online and found the more current, DSM-V diagnostic criteria. It reads as follows (with some editing on my part):
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects (moods), and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety or contexts, as indicated by at least five of the following:
Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
Markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. (DSM-IV labeled this as identity disturbance.)
Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self damaging (eg, spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).
Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
Affective instability due to a marked reactivity or mood (eg, intense episodic dysphoria (dysphoria is the opposite of euphoria. It’s a mixture of depression, anxiety, rage and despair), irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and rarely more than a few days).
Chronic feelings of emptiness.
Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (eg, frequent displays of temper, constant anger, or recurrent physical fights).
Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.
As I read all that I can about Travis and his diagnoses, I cannot help but notice that I keep coming upon the same themes such as abandonment and identity issues. I can see why it may be so hard to diagnose individuals. So much of the criteria overlaps. Then I see it. I flipped to a page that describes adoption and the incidence of BPD. One doctor mentions that in his practice adoptees make up a significant portion of adults with BPD. He mentions early separation and loss, identity issues. The authors mention that more research needs to be done.
The book talks about there being hope in the form or medications that can help reduce depression, moodiness, and impulsivity. Travis has tried a ton of different pharmaceutical medications with little success. I feel like the medication piece has been hard because he has so many things going on. A medication that may show success in some people for one diagnosis may not be working for him because it aggravates another of his diagnoses? I don’t know how that all works. But what I do know is that he had extreme side effects on most medications.
And Travis does see a therapist. Well, with Covid-19, they talk on the phone. No matter what we call his hurt, or where his pain comes from, whatever label can or cannot be given or is accurate, we will continue to support him in whatever way possible. Which includes gentle nudges to work through it with professionals.
So how do I stop walking on eggshells?
Per Mason and Kreger, “In order for you to get off the emotional rollercoaster, you will have to give up the fantasy that you can or should change someone else”. Yep. I am a work in progress on this one.
Stop taking Travis’s actions personally. I am getting better at this one.
Seek support. Thank you to all my friends and family that have been supportive. You know who you are!
Keep a sense of humor. This one I have down! Not always in the moment, but I get there!
Take care of yourself. I have a tendency to put my needs last. Another work in progress, but I commit to doing better.
Take your life back. I think this book mostly refers to couples in a relationship. There is a chapter at the end about children. Both of my kids are a big part of my life. I do acknowledge that Travis gets a disproportionate amount of my time because of his high needs.
As I thumb through this book I realize it may do me some good to reread it. It does offer some great guidance on changes that I can make, things that I can control, so that I can stop walking on eggshells.
I have mentioned before that I am a member of a couple of different groups on Facebook of parents with children on the autism spectrum. There are so many parents posting asking for help around tough behaviors that their children are displaying. In every age group. I wish I had some advice. I am still trying to get a handle on the behaviors.
All I can say is that you’re not alone. All we can do is our best.
“Friend: What’s parenting like? Me: You know all the side effects they list on prescription drug commercials? It’s like that.” - Author Unknown
“It’s like no one in my family appreciates that I stayed up all night overthinking for them.” - Mom
“The funny thing about kids is they are the reason we lose it, and the reason we hold it together.” - Author Unknown
“My friend asked me recently what the most difficult part of being a parent is…Without a shadow of a doubt, it’s the kids, I replied.”