Less “Doing” and More “Being”

This past week was another extremely difficult mental health week for Travis. Which translates to a extremely difficult week for all of us.

But I don’t want to write about that this week. It’s too soon. Too raw.

Instead I want to write about a couple of ideas that came about from our family dealing with his situation.

Corey and I had a nice, long, and overdue phone conversation. Corey made some very good points and very gently opened my eyes to a couple of things about me that I needed to spend some time reflecting on. She is not only a terrific daughter, mother and wife. She is also a terrific human being. I am so proud of her. She has a heart for helping others and has developed a business doing just that. Her business is Ascend Learning and Education Center and can be found at www.ascendlearningcenter.com. A branch of that business is called Ascend Smarter Intervention.

Corey created a curriculum that works with struggling readers. Most of her students have dyslexia or other learning disabilities that impact their ability to read and write. She and her staff work with students directly, but she wanted to reach more children and there just wasn’t enough hours in the day. So she decided to make her successful curriculum available to other professionals and parents, and also offers training on how to use it. Her business is growing like crazy and her husband Matt recently left his job to join her at Ascend.

Corey has a Master’s Degree in Clinical Psychology. Her psychology background gives her the ability to speak intelligently about the human mind and also emotions and behaviors. In addition to that she is my daughter. She knows me better than most anyone. She is a piece of me. So she gets what makes me tick.

During our conversation Corey acknowledged that I have been doing a great job of unturning stones for Travis. She shared that it’s possible that my bucket is running dry because I am spending too much time “doing” and not enough time “being”. She told me that I was allowed to spend some of my time “being” without feeling guilty.

I resemble that remark. I do feel guilty when I am not “doing”. It’s not just about doing for Travis. It’s “doing” in general. I feel guilty if I watch TV during daylight hours. I should be cleaning. Look at all that dust! I should be pulling weeds. I feel guilty when I read, unless it’s a book to help me “do” better.

That feeling guilty is all on me. There is not a single person in my life that gives me grief for reading, or watching TV. There is not a person in my life that tells me I should be cleaning or pulling weeds. It’s the voice in my head, the one that sounds a lot like me, telling me I should be “doing” more. The “doing” has to be meaningful. For example, not “doing” diamond art or crafting. Unless, of course, I am crafting gifts for others.

A big piece of who I am revolves around “doing” for others. And that’s ok. Because it feeds my soul. But why am I so happy to “do” for others and not for myself? Where did I learn to feel guilty for taking time to just be?

What if you could be a better you if you spent more time just being? What if spending time “being” is the downtime a person needs in order to fill their bucket so that they can better manage the “doing”? Is anyone following this?

Corey also told me that I finished the job of raising my kids to be adults. And even though Travis may need extra help, it is not necessary to devote my entire life to it. She encouraged me to do less. My advocacy for Travis has developed his team and laid a strong foundation for him. What if I turned over some of the caregiving to his team, even if they made mistakes?

Corey wondered if because we made the commitment to adopt Travis, did that somehow make me feel like I had to keep “doing” because I chose it. I may need more processing time before I can answer that. My first thought is that I would be doing all the same stuff regardless.

Corey gently asked me, “What if you were less available to Travis? Is it possible that if he didn’t have you to lean on, he might get better at standing on his own”? Travis has come a long way, there is no doubt about it. Partly I’m sure because of the support we have given. Is he ready for less?

I wrote last week about my “a ha” moment. We were at the medical supply company picking up his Bipap machine. Travis asked the respiratory therapist if he could video the steps to preparing the machine for use and how to take it apart for cleaning. When the therapist asked Travis to call him in a couple of days, Travis asked the therapist if he could call him instead. He told the therapist that he knew he would forget. I realized that Travis was figuring out how to meet his needs.

I wrote about how I had decided to be less available anyway, based on the previous week of caregiving. I started shutting my phone off at 8pm. I have done a good job of following through with that decision.

I also wrote last week that Travis had dialed me in on the call from his respiratory therapist, they wanted to check my availability for Travis to go back in and get fitted for a different mask for his Bipap. I was so proud of myself for telling Travis he did not need me for that appointment. They made an appointment for Thursday.

I did call Travis to remind him of his appointment. He did call me for help with directions when he was on his way. I get it. If I go somewhere with someone and I am not driving, I have zero recollection of how to get back there. I helped Travis navigate his path. He called again once he arrived. The door is locked. I reminded him that the door was locked last time. The note on the door said we have to call and they would come open the door. Travis asked me for the number to call. I reminded him that the number is on the note on the door.

A few minutes later I get a call from Travis on speaker phone. The therapist told me that he needs to reschedule the appointment because Travis forgot to bring the Bipap machine and mask with him. Looks like we still have some work to do on this becoming more independent idea. We made a new appointment. This time I will remind Travis to bring the machine and mask.

Later in the week Travis had a need that I refused to help him with. He needed some money to buy something that I had already given him money for. He made a poor decision, and didn’t end up with what he needed. So he wanted the money again. He did not have the extra money available for me to give it to him again.

He struggles to understand cause and effect. At the same time, I cannot fix all his mistakes and they just go away. I didn’t give him the money again.

This did not end well. Thus the difficult week.

Another topic that Corey talked to me about on our phone call is that as parents we all are just doing our best. That is all anyone can ask of us. She reminded me that I taught her that. She told me that I am a good mom, and that I have done my best. It may or may not be enough for Travis. If it does not end up being enough, it is not my fault.

Her message was to continue to do my best, but give the rest over to the universe. Or to God. She told me to stop carrying it. Because it was too heavy a load to bear.

I wanted to share her message with all of you. I know that I am not the only parent that worries too much. I know that I am not the only person that feels guilty about what I should be accomplishing. I know that I am not the only person doing too much “doing”. Let’s all focus on less “doing” and more “being”.

If nothing else, 2020 has given us the opportunity to step back and focus on what is important. If you were going to “do” one less thing this week, what “do” would you give up? How would you see yourself “being”?

Thanks for our talk Corey. How did I end up with such a smart daughter?

“If you want to be happy, be.” - Leo Tolstoy

“Doing too much for others (often at their own expense), many persons are more ‘human doings’ than ‘human beings’.” - Louise Hart

“As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.” - Maya Angelou