Being Human

Every time I come across a book that interests me, I take a picture of it with my phone, showing the title and author. It may be shown in a magazine ad. Most times I learn about particular books on Facebook. Someone takes a selfie with the book they are reading in one hand and a glass of wine in the other. Then their friends comment on how much they loved the book.

First, let me say, I want to be the person relaxing while reading a book. I am still trying to get past the guilt I feel when simply being.

I take pictures because I figured out long ago that I lose all those little corners of paper I write myself a note on.

Every now and again I decide it is time to clean out my camera roll. I make a point to make a list of the books. I recently bought myself several books. I am a creature of habit. My list included some self-help books because I always think of myself as a “work in progress”, and some books on autism because I always think of my parenting and advocacy as a “work in progress”.

I recently participated in a free online workshop by Cathy Heller called, “Made For This”. It was a sampling of a workshop that she offers for sale. She offers workshops and also hosts a podcast, “Don’t Keep Your Day Job”. I’m not sure how the information for her ended up on my Facebook feed. I’m certain that my phone is listening to my conversations. (I am only half joking!)

Her podcast ad asks, “Are you thirsty for more joy in your everyday? Do you want to get paid to do what you love? Do you want to figure out your greatest passion, your purpose, and how to turn that into a profitable, thriving full-time career?”

I have to be honest. I am happy being retired. I participated in her workshop because I wanted to see if I came across any good advice on me taking my next step. Writing a book. The first step was scary. But I did it. I have been writing my weekly blog, “No Stone Left Unturned”, for two years now. I have shared that the idea of writing a book seemed overwhelming to me. My daughter, Corey, advised me to start with a blog. This enabled to me to research my records and tell stories a chunk at a time.

What is holding me back? I am happy to tell our story if it in some way helps others. I don’t care about making millions of dollars. At the same time, I don’t want it to cost me money to publish a book.

Heller asks, what are your beliefs that are not serving you? One of mine is the fear that no one outside of my loyal blog followers circle would be interested in reading my book. I wonder if my is writing good enough?

Heller asks her participants to fill in the blank. If I didn’t have to be perfect I would______. She says that we need to give ourselves permission to be messy. To not know all of the answers. She reminds us that the best resource we have is our own resourcefulness.

Several years ago Tracy was given an opportunity to invest in a business with some partners. At the time the financial investment was a lot for us. I remember telling Tracy that his ability and work ethic was the most sound investment we could make with our money. It did turn out to be a great investment.

I need to believe in myself as much as I believed in him.

Many of you have told me that you’re anxiously waiting for the book. There are tons of books out there about autism, about families experiences living with loved ones on the autism spectrum. Does a book from me belong in the mix? Heller says in her workshop that oftentimes what we are meant to do comes from our pain. Our pain turns to purpose. Heller states, “Your purpose lies in your greatest struggle, you will never get tired of talking about it”.

Supporting Travis is my greatest struggle. Being a good mother is my greatest accomplishment. I’ve done some great things in my advocacy for him. I’ve also made some mistakes. But I keep trying. I don’t give up. I think that is the secret. Heller says that we learn by taking action. We have to have the grit to stay in it. It is simply a state of mind. We need to be charged and moving forward. Otherwise our minds default to worry. Been there.

Heller reminded me that my thoughts are not facts. My subconscious believes whatever I tell it. I need to have as much compassion for myself as I have for others.

One of the books Heller highlighted was, “Atomic Habits, An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits and Break Bad Ones” by James Clear. Sounds like the perfect book to read as we get close to the new year.

I don’t know about you, but every year I think about making New Year’s resolutions. I am at the age, or maybe I should call it maturity level, that I realize resolutions don’t work. In the end you just end up feeling bad because you believe you failed. At the same time, I have decided that I am simply going to read more. I have been doing some work as I head in that direction. This may sound silly, but I have not started watching any of the new television series. I do not want to get hooked on any shows, thus tying up my evenings. I also stopped DVRing shows. If I didn’t have time to watch it the first time, how am I going to go back and watch it later?

For instance, “The Voice”. I enjoy the show. But I’ve decided that I don’t have that many hours a week to devote to it. Besides thinking Blake Shelton is hilarious, I enjoy the singing. Some of the singers are better than what I currently hear on the radio. I’ve decided I can listen to it while I am doing other things. Like right now, it’s on in my bedroom. I can hear it in my office. While I’m writing. Ooh, I love that song! “I can’t live if living is without you.” (Okay Glenda. Stay focused.)

Earlier I said that I feel guilty when I am just being. Someone suggested the book, “Untamed”, by Glennon Doyle. Here are some excerpts from the cover jacket, “There is a voice of longing inside each of us. We strive so mightily to be good: good partners, daughters, mothers, employees and friends. We hope all this striving will make us feel alive. Instead it leaves us feeling weary, stuck, overwhelmed, and underwhelmed.

Glennon decided to quit abandoning herself and to instead abandon the world’s expectations of her. She quit being good so she could be free. She quit pleasing and started living. It is the story of how one woman learned that a responsible mother is not one that slowly dies for her children, but one who shows them how to fully live.

It is the story of how each of us can begin to trust ourselves enough to set boundaries, make peace with our bodies, honor our anger and heartbreak, and unleash our truest, wildest instincts. “Untamed” shows us how to be brave.”

Sounds like I could learn a lot from this book, so I added it to my cart.

I, of course, bought a couple more books on autism. I chose to start reading one of the books on autism first. I belong to a couple of Facebook groups for parents of children with high functioning autism. “Uniquely Human, a Different Way of Seeing Autism”, by Barry M. Prizant, PhD with Tom Fields-Meyer was recommended by a parent in the group.

I read about half of the book in one sitting. Prizant shows his readers a different way of seeing autism. “Uniquely Human” is easy to read and I feel like Prizant is speaking my language. At the same time, I am gaining insight into a couple of tweaks I can make while parenting Travis that may help me to be more successful in reaching him.

I feel like Prizant is describing me with this statement, “Almost every week I meet parents who are intelligent, capable individuals, often confidant and accomplished in other realms. But when these mothers and fathers encounter autism, they become disoriented. They lose faith in their own instincts.” I resemble that remark.

Prizant talks about why this may be the case, “Their distress and confusion stem partly from information overload. A flood or professionals and programs has emerged to serve these children: physicians, therapists, schools, after school programs. At the same time, charlatans and opportunists with minimal or no experience—and even some with professional credentials—advertise their approaches as breakthroughs. All of this has made life even more challenging for parents. Which professional to trust?”

If you’ve been following my blog from the beginning, you already know that I have tried some of these approaches with Travis, in my quest to leave no stone unturned.

I wish that we had met a professional of Prizant’s caliber and with his empathy and caring when we started our journey with Travis’s autism diagnosis. He writes, “Like any parents, these mothers and fathers want what’s best for their children. But, struggling with a developmental disability they don’t understand, they don’t know where to turn.

My job for four decades has been to help them transform their desperation into hope, to replace anxiety with knowledge, to turn self-doubt into confidence and comfort, and to help them see as possible what they thought was impossible. I have worked with thousands of families touched by autism, helping them to reframe their experience of the condition, and in turn build healthier, fuller lives. That’s what I hope this book will help you do, whether you’re a parent, a relative, a friend, or a professional working to support these children and their families.

It starts with shifting the way we understand autism.”

Prizant goes on to say, “Autism isn’t an illness. It’s a different way of being human. To help children with autism, we don’t need to change them or fix them. We need to work to understand them, and then change what we do.

In other words, the best way to help a person with autism change for the better is to change ourselves—our attitudes, our behavior, and the types of support we provide. From observing and supporting countless families, I have learned this important lesson: Even under extremely challenging circumstances, our attitudes about and perspective on people with autism and their behavior make a critical difference in their lives—and in ours.”

A different way of being human. I like that description.

I’ll keep working on my attitude and perspective. My hope is that others will do the same. Being human is a given. Humanity is a choice.

“The greatness of humanity is not in being human, but in being humane.” - Mahatma Gandhi

“What we don’t need in the midst of struggle is shame for being human.” - Brene Brown

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