A Letter to My Son

There is no one on this planet that loves you more than I do. How many times have I told you that? When you were younger I told you that as a matter of course. Back then it was more along the lines of, “I love you to the moon and back”. You needed to hear it often. For some reason, deep down you do not feel that you are loved. In addition to that, you feel that you are not lovable. Your dad and I have always done our best to show you how much we love you.

Now that you’re an adult I say the same words, but sometimes for a different reason. It’s usually when you want to do something. Or go somewhere. Or have a person that you think of as a friend spend the night. You know that you need to call me. You’re upset when I tell you no.

You have lashed out at me. You tell me that I don’t want you to have friends. There is nothing further from the truth. In fact, you have a group of friends that I describe as your “tribe”. Your tribe is a group of imperfect human beings, as we all are. Sometimes they let you down. Sometimes you let them down. But at the end of the day, they have your back. They care about your well-being. They accept you for the unique and wonderful person you are. They have passed the mom test.

The problem (outside of your tribe), is that you and I have a very different definition of what a friend is. A friend is not someone that you just met in a parking lot of a business that you introduce yourself to. An acquaintance is not a friend. A co-worker you met on your first day of work is not a friend.

You tell me that I want to control your life. Son, that is simply not the case. If I wanted to control your life, you would still be living at home with me and your dad. I have advocated to the end of the earth and back for you to live as independent a life as possible. That takes a great amount of work but I do it. Because there is no one on this planet that loves you more than I do.

Now when I tell you that it is to remind you that there is a reason that I have to say no at times. The reason may be that I am protecting you from a perceived threat. The reason may be that even with as far as you have come, you may not be ready to handle the situation you are getting yourself into.

There have been quite a few hiccups in our quest to help you become independent. One of the things that I love about you is that you have a huge heart. You are willing to share most everything you have with others that have less. That are down on their luck. You see the best in people. And even when it turns out that they are not the best of people, you are willing to give them a second chance.

I have shared with you that we have to be careful in the world we live in. We started this talk when you were young. How difficult it is to tell the good apples from the bad apples when they all look the same.

You are not happy with this world we live in. You get frustrated that people may not always have your best interests at heart. Especially when you may have been so kind to them. I want you to know that we have all experienced those situations. It hurts when someone that you considered a friend takes advantage of that friendship. Or doesn’t see you as the same type of friend that you considered them.

I want to let you know that you are stronger than you know. It was almost twenty years ago that we pinky swore. I promised that I would never give up on helping you, that I would push you to your full potential. That I would help you to find happiness. And you promised me that you would try whatever I came up with in my research, even if it sounded a bit crazy to you. It was during this conversation that you saw that I was reading a book about a boy that was like you. His picture was on the front cover of the book. You asked me why I was reading this book.

I told you that I was reading about him to see if I could learn anything to help you. You asked me if I was going to write a book about you someday. I said that I thought I might. When you asked what I would call the book, I replied without hesitation, “No Stone Left Unturned”.

I have kept that promise to you. And you have kept your promise to me. Even most recently when the doctor suggested that you might sleep better and thus feel better if you had your tonsils and uvula removed. You did not want to do it. But you trusted me when I said this could be a piece of the answer towards you feeling better. I told you that if you felt better, maybe you would be happier. So you did it. Even though it was scheduled for your birthday month.

I did my part of our agreement. I took you to all the doctor visits. I took notes. I was with you pre-surgery. To help keep you calm. I was the one person who was able to visit, because of stupid Covid-19. Your dad was in the car in the parking lot. As close as he could be. We took you home with us to help you heal for a week.

I could tell hundreds of stories of the two of us, you and me, making good on our pinky swear. I have shared many of those stories in the blog I write about you. You sometimes tell me what I should say, or even write about next. Some of the things that we have tried have been helpful, some not so much. I keep researching, and you keep trying stuff.

You have shared with me many times that you can’t keep going on. You are strong, because you have. Kept going on.

Some time ago I shared with you that one of the keys to happiness was to accept yourself, and love yourself. I asked you to ignore how others treat you, and ignore what they thought of you. Again, I know how hard that is to do. I shared with you that your true friends will like you exactly how you are. They will not expect you to change. They will understand that you will have good days and bad days.

I am proud of you. Because I see you beginning to not care what others think. You are getting better at not letting others thoughts or words ruin your day. You are beginning to tell others no when you are not able to give them a ride somewhere because you had other plans.

Just now you called me because someone was tailgating you and you were angry. I told you that we have talked about this. Each day a person drives they are likely to come across someone that is driving in some annoying way. I asked you to take a breath and focus on getting home. That if you practice doing that, taking a breath, again and again, it would become easier to ignore the poor driving of others. And you did. We visited until you got home. Then you said bye.

I am your person. You call me most every time you are off kilter. I even wrote a blog called, “Nine Times a Day”. That is the average amount of times that you call me each day. I have even showed you on my call log.

You have a good sense of humor. Even though sometimes your pranks can be annoying. One time you called me and I told you it was the eighth time so far that day. So when you called later and I answered, nine, we both laughed. And then when you hung up, you called me right back, because you wanted to prove that it was not always nine. I reminded you that I said, “the average” amount of times, meaning on some days it was even more.

Son, I know it takes a great deal of effort on your part to hold it together. I can see that sensory overload is tough for you. I know that you think of me and dad as your safe people, and because of that when things are hard you have a habit of taking it out on us. Sometimes you share that the people you are really angry with are your biological mother and father. You end up taking it out on us because we are there. You know that we will love you, no matter what.

And we do love you no matter what. But I also want you to know that it is hard to be your kicking post. You have made great strides in learning to live on your own. I am hoping that your next area of focus will be to work more seriously with your therapist on managing your anger. Your dad and I will not be able to fix or replace the things you break forever. Even though we understand that we are your safe people, it still hurts when your anger is directed at us.

You have shared that you do not feel like you belong in our family. I am sure that has something to do with being adopted. I want you to know that although you do not feel like you belong, we do. You are part of our family. You do belong. We prayed for a baby. We went out and found you. You were meant to be our child. You make our family complete. We adopted you. So you are legally part of our family.

But family to me is so much more than that. I read on www.lovetoknow.com that, “A true family provides it’s members with emotional and spiritual kinship through shared values, beliefs and traditions; common experiences and activities; and unconditional, non-judgmental support”.

I have friends that I consider my family. Family has everything to do with love, compassion and support.

You may not look like us. Even though you really kind of do. I remember a waitress telling us that you look just like your dad. You may not act like us. Mostly because you cuss like a sailor. Haha. But seriously, even genetic family members have different personalities.

You may feel like you do not belong because you are not as close to your cousins or extended family as you would like to be. That is fairly common. I do not even know most of my cousins or family. Sometimes that is just the way it is.

My family is made up of people I love fiercely. And that includes you. In case you haven’t noticed. You’re stuck with us.

“Family isn’t only defined by last names or by blood, it is defined by commitment and by love. It means showing up when they need it most. It means having each other’s backs. It means choosing to love each other on those days when you struggle to like each other. It means never giving up on each other!” - Dave Willis

“Sure, sometimes I question my parenting. But to be honest, sometimes I question my child’s childing.” - Just Surviving Motherhood

“I don’t want to sleep like a baby, I want to sleep like my husband.” - Readersdigest.com